Pens fans are the lamest....except for Lori

There exists a sinister underbelly in the hockey world. No, not the drinking, or the fighting or even the man-whoring. I am talking about the fan fiction.

Sure I have my own imaginary world(s) in which:
1) Former Moosehead Andrew White catches me fish and builds me birdhouses
2) Former Moosehead Pier-Olivier Pelletier and I live like mythical woodland creatures and he carves Eero Aarnio reproductions out of root vegetables for our smurf style mushroom house.
3) I have a torrid and steamy love (and by love, I mean... fucking) affair with former Saint John Sea Dogs Goaltender and CIS champion Travis Fullerton.
4) Replace Travis Fullerton with former Gatineau Olympics goaltender Ryan Mior for a similar but possibly naughtier scenario. Doesn't he just look naughty? Naughty goalies are my favorite kind of goalie! Then the hockey Gods, just to make it worse for me, had to go and make him a Newfie. This is an irresistible combination.
5) Moosehead winger Jessyko Bernard and I are ballroom dance partners... and we WIN at life.
6) The Penguins disband and my favorite former Q players are free to pursue other teams. They all choose the Devils.

...but these fantasies are totally excusable because it is me, and most of the time it is just for laughs. Most of the time! *side eyes in the general direction of Travis Fullerton*.

Oh! Speaking of the Penguins - their fans have the MOST ridiculous fantasy lives. There is possibly more fan fiction written about Penguins players than about all other NHL players in the history of the game. I mean sure, a Gump Worsley story is HOT but those 'back in the day' ladies can't compete with the awesome imagination of today's wannabe puckbunnies.

Without further ado I give you "Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes" guide to Penguins' fan fiction. I just wanted to let Simon Despres*, Keven Veilleux, Alex Grant, Joey Haddad, Zach Sill (Raaawr... totally fantasy worthy) and others know what exactly they were getting themselves into when they chose to sign those contracts with the Penguins.

*There is still hope for Simon as he is currently unsigned.

What the Fuckery?

The AUS has announced its all star teams. Let me just list them for you here:

First team all-stars:
G - Kevin Lachance, Moncton (3rd year - Vanier, PQ) - goaltender
D - Scott Hotham, Saint Mary's (4th year - Barrie, ON)
D - Andrew Hotham, Saint Mary's (2nd year - Barrie, ON)
F - Hunter Tremblay, UNB (2nd year - Timmins, ON)
F - Marc Rancourt, Saint Mary's (4th year - Gloucester, ON)
F - Kevin Henderson, UNB (2nd year - Toronto, ON)

Second team all-stars:
G - Danny Battochio, StFX (3rd year - Lively, ON) - goaltender
D - Dustin Friesen, UNB (5th year - Waldheim, SK)
D - Jean-Phillippe Paquet, Moncton (1st year - St-Georges de Beauce, PQ)
F - Pierre-André Bureau, Moncton (4th year - St-Prosper, PQ)
F - Cam Fergus, Saint Mary's (2nd year - Brantford, ON)
F - Justin Donati, UPEI (2nd year - Oakville, ON)

All-rookie team:
G - Kristofer Westblom, Acadia (Meadow Lake, SK) - goaltender
D - Jean-Phillippe Paquet, Moncton (St-Georges de Beauce, PQ)
D - Bretton Stamler, UNB (Edmonton, AB)
F - Jonathan Laberge, Acadia (Ste-foy, PQ)
F - Dean Ouellet, Moncton (Edmunston, NB)
F - Chris Bruton, Acadia (Calgary, AB)

Yeah. I noticed it too. It seems to be missing something. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Where the FUCK is Travis Fullerton? The guy currently leading his team to the AUS championship (FYI UNB defeated St Mary's by a score of 5-1 tonight). The guy with a league leading 3 shutouts in only 13 regular season games played. The guy with a 1.80 GAA/ 0.914 save% for the regular season, and a 1.29 GAA/ 0.940 save % for the playoffs (not including yesterday's game). The guy with stats better than all of these other chumps including the three all stars indicated below in red.

Bitches please!

Furthermore, is there a 14 game limit and Travis played one game too few to be included in the statistical leaders or do we just like fucking with him (yes please). I am pretty sure that players must play in 40% of games to be ranked and that 13 games is > than 40 % of 28 games.

Dear UAS all star team choosing guys
Maybe he is not on the rookie team because he is off somewhere fucking all of your wives. I sincerely hope so because that is what you deserve for leaving him off this list.

___________________________
Also read this article on UNB's goaltending situation. Minutes played has limited Fullerton from being on the AUS stats list.

Fullerton's minutes (665) weren't enough to qualify him for the official stats, but the numbers are telling. His goals against mark of 1.80 including three shutouts is second-best in the entire country, only behind Alberta's Aaron Sorochan who finished with a 1.66 mark in 1049 minutes.

Oh dear lord, second best in the country *fans self*. I have to go buy more underwear for the sole purpose of throwing them in the general direction of Fredericton... or the UNB net this Sunday evening at the Halifax Forum. I have been denied long enough! No really, like since Jan 20, 2008. I totally keep track of these things because I am a fucking psycho... or because I have an amazing memory for stupid details.

I hate 3 in 3.

I get tired just thinking about how these poor boys have to suffer on the road, shuffling between hotels and playing hockey against some brutally successful teams in their own barns. The Moose are on the road in Quebec for a three in three: taking on Gatineau (tonight), Shawinigan (Saturday) and finally Victoriaville (Sunday) before heading home on the long bus trip.

Some quick news links:
Matthew Wuest - Mooseheads faced with challenging road trip.

Three games in three days. All on the road. All against powerful teams at least 30 points ahead of them. Yep, the Halifax Mooseheads are in a pickle heading to Quebec, teetering on the brink of missing the QMJHL playoffs.
“Six,” said Mooseheads head coach Cam Russell hopefully, when asked how many points he can reasonably expect.

Wow. Cam is funny. Why don't I have a crush on him? I like funny guys.

Honestly though, while I have a tonne of blind faith in my team I am not completely delusional. I do believe that they are the kind of team that can pull off an upset...I just don't think that they believe that they are the kind of team that can pull off an upset. This is despite the fact that they do seem to think they can defeat the other cellar dwellers without really trying. This mentality results in frequent incidents of epic fail.

Pascal Amyot is slightly more reasonable:

“They’re great teams and we have to make it hard on them and make sure that no matter what the score is, they’re gonna remember playing the Mooseheads,” said blue-liner Pascal Amyot. “That’s the message we want to leave.”

If you actually read this news story or the Q-files in the link to the right you will notice that Guillaume Pelletier is expected to be out for the full season while recuperating from his broken knee. That is no shock. He is invited to my house to watch all future road games with me and to give me french lessons so that I can converse better with french goaltenders.


Jersey Auction:
The Halifax Mooseheads will be paying tribute to the Nova Scotia Voyageurs on February 27^th by wearing Voyageurs replica jerseys in the home game against the Cape Breton Screaming Eagles. They will then be auctioning off the game worn jerseys on the team website. All proceeds from the auction will go to the IWK Children’s Hospital for purchase of a SMART Syringe Pump for the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.

OK. I am too excited about a game worn jersey auction. Which do I bid on: Goalies, puppy, Bona, Bahm? Whomever's is going cheapest? Can I get a boy to go with that jersey?

OMG!!! It has antlers!

I have been thinking on the issue of Merch, and am considering creating a zazzle gallery with custom player t-shirts*. So, there I was wandering around the interwebs and what did I find? A t-shirt with a stylized Yeti on it...and that Yeti has tiny antlers (like a Moose; I was hoping I would not have to point that out). The rainbow could be his net.


I wants one. Bah, sold out! Also, it would cost, like, $40 CAD + shipping. If you love the Yeti then you can find more Yeti related bizznazz at www.ilovetheyeti.blogspot.com

*More info later
Also, next time you bitch consider the following.

Gerrad Grant has "a body like a model"/ I feel shame.

This post has little to do with hockey and more to do with hockey players. As such I will get the nitty gritty out of the way and let the world know that the Mooseheads lost to the Acadie-Bathurst Titan by a score of 6-4. Mooseheads had the lead three times (2-1, 3-2, 4-3)...and just kept losing it.

For a guy who takes pride in his butterfly stylin' Mark Yetman has a very slutty 5 hole. As I was saying to a friend, Yetman only played well in Moncton because the Wildcats provided him with appropriate pre-game meal of kittey food. That is what cats eat. When he came home and got some of that homemade Mac and Cheese he so likes, it fucked him up, because kittey's should be eating kittey food.

Everything you need to know about the game you can learn by checking out the QMJHL game summary, or Matthew Wuest's lineups (Linden Bahm out HEALTHY, why I NEVER!!!) and game notes.


But this post is not about hockey. This post is about the arrogance of some boys who play hockey. I am going to use curse words. Children - go away NOW. This post is not for you.

Are you gone yet? Good!!!


Every home game we get a game program; the program includes an interview with a player. Today's player was Gerrad Grant (#22). I know I have gone here before but let me continue. One of the questions is "Finish this sentence: I'd be a billionaire if I had a dollar every time some one said..." Gerrad Grant answered "I have the body of a model".

Dude. Fuck Off.

You are an athlete. If you don't have a good body you are fucked. I automatically assume most boys who play hockey have a body that is better than the norm, but to brag about it is just arrogant. Have it ...be humble. What your mother tells you and the puck bunnies tell you DOES NOT COUNT.

Assholes are not hot. Much like how boys will fuck girls and think those girls are twits, there are girls who will fuck boys and then laugh with their friends about what an idiot that guy was. All the girls know. All the girls laugh. DUDES...GIRLS TALK A LOT. Also, girls USE guys. Then we call you stupid and laugh at you. Heterosexual females like male bodies, but to tell you the truth that is all there is to most of you. Bodies. Especially young selfish guys like junior hockey players.

Being an arrogant asshole is not hot

You think you are attractive when you are not. You think you are good in bed because lots of girls will let you fuck them. Just because puck bunnies are chasing after you or using you for your body it does not mean you are hot, nice, worth any girl's actual time and effort, intelligent, a good conversationalist, nor does it mean you are particularly good in bed. One problem is your choice of female companion. Seventeen year old hos from Cole Harbour don't know what "good in bed" means. Nor do you. Just because she made sounds it does not mean she is satisfied. It does not mean you are king of the bedroom. Fuck, most of the time you barely qualify to be court jester on the ice.


Ahhhhh

So because Mark Yetman and Gerrad Grant exhaused themselves before the game with their jerking off - Mark to his "good looking" face, Gerrad to his "model's body", they gave the Titan a chance to win. Brav-a-muther-fuckin-O.

May I just say, as a spokesperson for the vast majority of the female population: shut up. You are behaving like idiots. You may be cool now but junior hockey will end for you sooner than you think. Real life is not at all like "keys to the VIP".

PS. You know who actually is hot. Tomy Joly (to your right): Strong chin, good smile, pleasant eyes, delectable eyebrows. But just because I think he is good looking he shouldn't let it go to his head...especially since he is practically a midget. Hey, we all have faults.

Topsy turvy/ I feel pride

Last night the Halifax Mooseheads defeated the Moncton Wildcats in the shootout for a final score of 2-1. Yep you read that right. Going into last night's game the Moose were the second worst team in the league, the Cats were the second best...and yet ka-pow, a win.


I am glad they put Pender in the shootout and was not surprised that he got the goal. Fear on the part of the opposing goaltender alone should be enough get him the goal. No one wants to be hit by a puck coming off that slapshot.

No matter how much I currently hate to say this: props to Yetman for a 32 save performance, winning the 1st star, and his supposed "glove hand of larceny". I am also handing out props to Knotek for the goal in regulation and the shootout, as well as props to Charles Bety for the game winner in the shootout.

I missed most of the game, because it turns out I actually do have a life, and so I can't really comment on the game. I just hope the boys are feeling good about their win and can use the win and its momentum to blow the Titan out of the water on Sunday.

According to Willy Palov's article in today's issue of the Chronicle Herald:

The Mooseheads (9-18-1-1) went into the game as huge underdogs against the second-overall Wildcats (20-2-2-2). But thanks to some stellar goaltending from Mark Yetman and long stretches of mistake-free hockey, they managed to secure the unexpected win.

Yetman made 32 saves during 65 minutes of intense action and then stoned all but two of Moncton’s seven shooters in the showdown. Charles Bety notched the winner in the shootout on Halifax’s seventh shot.

"Mark was real solid," Russell said. "He didn’t get a lot of action in the first (period); I think they only had three shots on net. It’s tough for the goalie to stay involved when it’s like that but he stayed focused and was good all night.

"And he made a couple of big saves in the shootout, too."

For the Wildcat's side of the story check out Neil Hodge's piece at the Times and Transcript.

I am planning our dates. RAWR.

I did not realize that the AUS schedule was already released (look harder next time dumb ass). Now I must take the time to compare it to the Mooseheads schedule.

Travis Fullerton:
October 24 7:00 at Dalhousie
Moose play the Sags (lucky for Bobby he is no longer a Sag)
November 2 3:30 at St Mary's
Moose play the 'Piques (I will miss my date with Max Chubbycheeks!)
January 24 7:00 at Dalhousie
January 30 7:00 at St Mary's

While my dates with Bobby Nadeau are scheduled for:
Oct 3rd 7:00pm
Dec 30th 7:00pm
Jan 4th 4:00 pm
Feb 26th 7:00pm


Dear Travis,
People like you a lot, and I am one of those people. Did I mention how happy I was that you were going the AUS route? I hated the idea of giving you up ever so much. I think I must still mention you in every second blog post even if the post has nothing to do with you. I am elated (is that the word I am looking for?) that we will continue to have dates next season. I will thoroughly enjoy it even if all you are doing is sitting on the bench. My ovaries are already primed for October 24th.

So Fully, what will I wear? I have a pretty good idea idea what you will be wearing. Red, white and black is soooo sexy on guys. Oh my! Red,white and black -I think you are trying to make this difficult for me, what with the way you are testing my willpower and restraint. For that you deserve a spanking.

But the issue at hand is my wardrobe. Do I wear the titty dress, garters, and the 4 inch heel fuck-me boots? Do I bring the soft ropes? Jeans and a sweater will probably suffice and are the most logical choice for a cold hockey arena. I can still bring the soft ropes!

Truth be told, I am a smart sensible girl who likes the hockey more for the game than the boys (believe it or not). It is just that sometimes.....well.....some boys have that extra special something, that je ne sais quoi, that lure - the kavorka, and I just can't help myself. It is not my fault that I was born with ovaries and that you were born to throw your body all over the crease and wiggle in a funny way that makes my ovaries get all excited.

Oh, there it is! I thought of your cross-crease wiggle and my ovaries 'sploded. That led to me thinking about your strong chin *bite*, your pretty blue eyes, your neck with its line of freckles *lick*, your soft looking lips *mmm*, your jawline *nibble*, your long pretty fingers *oh my*, and your most likely delectable 6'1", slim, well-toned goalie body *sighs*. Is it true, what they say about Scotsmen?

If you will excuse me for a second I have something that I gotta do. It will only take me 10 minutes...maybe 20. Here, enjoy this picture of yourself looking hawt. No wait, I may need that!!!


God Damn!!! This is not healthy. Poor boy - I am sorry that my eyes and ovaries have decided to target you and that I feel the need to violate you with my words, among other things. The centromedial and lateral nuclei of my amygdala must have gotten rewired last season. The low guttural animal noises (it's like a purr/growl combo) start to emanate from my throat the very second I read your name. It is a new reflexive pathway: eyes ---> amygdala ---> straddling response + purr + drool.

Why d'ya have'ta go and make me feel like this? If you don't want this reaction from me you should just be a conservative butterfly goaltender who never plays the puck, and you most definitely should not play like this or this or this. Do you continue to do this to me 'cuz urrr naughty? Yeah, I thought as much *spank*!

__________________________________

Dates for which I will NOT feel the need to bring ropes, duct tape, a 30 pack of condoms, and two bottles of lube include:

Olivier Roy
Sept 20 7:00 pm
Nov 6 7:00pm
Jan 3rd 7:00pm
Feb 27 7:00pm

The Sea Dogs:
(note - bring cookies for Simon, Kirky and Keven)
Oct 30th 7:00pm
Nov 25 7:00pm
Feb 19 7:00pm
March 13 7:00pm

Timo Pielmeier:
Feb 21 7:00pm

Charles Lavigne:
Jan 23 7:00pm
Feb 22 4:00pm