Where art thou goalie?

My impossible immaculate conception child, Baby Steve Mason, did something special today. He made his first appearance in the NHL and won his first NHL game. Good for him.

This is my immaculate conception baby: Baby Steve Mason
I miss him: Last I heard Pelletier was raising him. I figured he would do better raised by another goalie. Me? I really do not know how to raise a goalie.
I wonder what happened to my impossible child?

You grew up.
Oh, you haven't changed a bit. Adorable.


We love your exceptionally beautiful eyebrows, which is why you are still a chairperson in my CHL eyebrow club, despite being grown-up now.

...yes they are beautiful.

...but you have a lame-ass tattoo. Shame.
Is THAT what goalie bodies look like?
My imagination overtakes common sense sometimes!
PS. Fix your posture.

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Oh yeah...the QMJHL

Nicola Riopel was awarded the QMJHL defensive player of the month, beating out our Bavarian liebe Timo Pielmeier (Shawinigan) for the big prizes. From the Q website:

Defensively, Moncton Wildcats backstop Nicola Riopel gets the nod for a second straight month. The Wildcats backstop continues to dominate. He registered eight wins against only one overtime loss in October while posting a 1.42 goals-against-average and .952 save percentage. Furthermore, he accumulated two shutouts and allowed three goals only once in his nine starts. Moncton has yet to lose a game in regulation so far this season

Oh Nicola I would, but I am saving my love for the next generation: baby LBD. He is like your family, so to take on both of you would be gross.

Three Q teams have made the CHL top 10 - Cape Breton and Drummondville are right out:
1. Windsor Spitfires (17-1-0-0)
2. Moncton Wildcats (16-0-2-0)
3. Vancouver Giants (12-0-0-3)
4. Shawinigan Cataractes (17-4-0-0)
5. Calgary Hitmen (15-4-0-1)
6. Quebec Remparts (13-3-0-1)
7. London Knights (11-5-0-1)
8. Swift Current Broncos (13-5-0-0)
9. Spokane Chiefs (10-3-0-3)
10. Guelph Storm (11-6-1-1)

Sticking with goalie talk

I have so much to say about everything - like Gatineau being out of the Memorial cup in three games, but it hurts too much to talk about it. Love and loss is one of the most painful things. Just ask Gatineau captain J-P Chabot about the pain - he was crying, I was not. I have almost gone numb when it comes to hockey this season, every round I pick a new lover, about a week later they dump my ass. I have gone through 7 hockey lovers between the QMJHL and the NHL so far this playoff season. Do you see why I have gone numb?

If you need Memorial cup coverage you can check out the official Memorial cup webpage. The QMJHL website has also covered Gatineau's downfall in the Memorial cup tournament. I will stick with NJ draft pick Matt Halischuk and the Rangers for now (lover #8, Detroit Red Wings will be lover #9 by default). I also find Ranger's goaltender Josh Unice wonderfully spriggin - his little nose and pouty upper lip look cute peeking out from behind his helmet. Am I charmed by his mommasboyness? It is not a good feature for real boyfriends, but it is so sweet when imaginary boyfriends are mommasboys.

Also, ummm he has really great eyebrows. You know I had to mention it eventually, what with my eyebrow fetish and all. You can oogle Josh, his pixie nose, his pouty upper lip and his awesome eyebrows at this photo gallery. Unfortunately, you cannot judge his 'game' by looking at photos. I bet he totally takes eyebrow grooming tips from teammate Steve Mason, who has such rawkin' brows that he is a chairperson in my eyebrow club. Mase is adorable with his helmet on and with the crunchy-crunchy faces that he makes. Also - hello! He is the grown-up version of baby Steve Mason - who is a deadringer for my immaculate conception baby, the baby fathered by the essence of Pelletier, Bernier and Fullerton.

What are the odds of a team having two goalies with RAWKIN' eyebrows? Is it a Kitchener conspiracy?

Ugh as I type this Kitchener have lost in OT and are 1-2 for the round robin. I suck at picking lovers. Poor Unice, the puck went off his head, and the Bulls got a goal on the rebound when he was still discombobulated.

GOALIES in the QMJHL:
Ryan Mior
I had been wondering where Olympique's goaltender Ryan Mior would be playing University hockey next year. I was out facebook stalking (not stalking Mior - but someone else) when I came across Mior's profile which had him listed on the University of Ottawa Network. It would make sense for him to be there for his post QMJHL career since he is currently living in the region and probably already enrolled in classes there. However, he may not have actually been admitted to a University team yet. An article from canwest news services states "Ryan Mior, who set QMJHL records for games played by a goaltender and shutouts, is also finished playing junior hockey, perhaps moving on to university hockey." Key word -PERHAPS. Leaving me with nothing but speculation is no fun for me.

Antoine Tardif
According to L'Express, Antoine has had a successful surgery on his ankle. Doctors had originally speculated that he would have to stay off of the ankle for 6 weeks but when they went in for arthroscopic examination they determined that the source of his pain was due to one of his torn ligaments slipping between the ankle joints. Antoine should be back on his feet within the week. At least I think this is what they are saying - the article is in French and my French skills are shifty. What I do know is that my kisses did his ankle well. Now that I get a closer look at Antoine's brows they don't look that great in the center - he needs some grooming. He is out of the club.

Drummondville : Pelletier, Gougeon, Tardif and the goalie coach that rocks.
There is an interview with Drummondville goalie coach Marco Marciano in the Drummondville edition of L'Express. Marco worked with Gougeon and Pelletier last season, with Gougeon, Dupont and Dunnett this season, and will be helping Tardif and Dunnett along next season. Marco is proud of Gougeon's play in the finals and thinks that 'the Gouge' should do well despite being a toy goalie.

However, he is confused about why P-O's season went so wrong, and does not understand how it happened that Pier fell so far as to allow Yetman to steal the number one job in nets for Halifax come playoff time. When I say "fell so far" I mean, "not given a legitimate chance to play again" once Yeti was able to win a game (something he did not do, nor was he really given the chance to do, between Dec 27 and Feb 24). Which reminds me - we treated our 'tenders like shit!!!

Marco essentially said that you have to push P-O, as was done at the beginning of the 2006-07 season when Pier had a slow start coming off of injury, but once he is pumped up he will play excellently. After training camps with Detroit last year, and before coming to Halifax, P-O was apparently rocking it and Marco saw him as a potential AHL goalie for last season. He wishes P-O the best of luck for a future pro- career in the upcoming season. Me too P-O, me too. Coo.

Marco seems good, what with the fact that he is involved with Hockey Canada's development program - and he stresses the ability to handle the puck. You can read an older interview with him at the QMJHL website. He has worked with MAF, Houle, and my very own sweet sensitive Jonathan Bernier (in baby form).

Maybe P-O should go back to train with Marco this summer. He should also check in with a sports psychologist since it worked wonders for Mior. Trust me, it wasn't you P-O, it was 'us'. Lewiston's goaltending coach is also big on having a psychologist around to help out.

I don't talk about this a lot, but it was P-O's eyebrows themselves that inspired the eyebrow club - they are thick but they have the best arch. In fact, he is the silent co-owner of the club. He also inspires my weakness for pixie noses and pouty upper lips. Do I need more clubs?

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Alexander goaltending (where Travis Fullerton teaches and Jake Allen learns) has training videos available on you tube. Cute, Fully is teaching me his basic Fully tricks. Hmmmm but no Fully scuddle - shame.

The fanatical musings of a fanatical (fill in the blank)

Is it horrible that there are players on our 2007/2008 team that I don't like? I mean I really, really dislike them. Am I a bad person? There is probably no real reason that I do not like them...I just don't get the attraction to them, and some of them were very popular. Sometimes I assign shifty personalities to players, thinking some may be more arrogant than others, while with others I embrace their shifty ways. If a player is good on the Penalty kill I usually like them, I totally embrace those that can backcheck.

So it is true that when I said "I love all 25 of you" - I lied.

Graham Bona
I like underdogs. Sometimes I hate how certain players got away with a lot of shit while others were repeatedly torn down by fans when they made the same mistakes as our 'stars'. The harder people come down on certain players the more I like them - for example Bona (and also Monast). I know he is a hometown boy (while I am generally an anti-homer), and that by being a hometown boy some people will like him just because... but some people could also be really harsh with him. Not me though - I would be all over Bona with a bucket of ice cream and spoon. I really like GrahamBo. Graham is a defensive defenseman, and one can make a good living just staying at home - ask Colin White.

At first our fans complained that our defense was not defensive enough (it really was a huge problem). Then when the defense finally decided to step it up, they complained that the defense was not offensive enough, and that there was no one to QB the powerplay. But...maybe we did have another defenseman to QB the powerplay - but there was no way in hell our coaches were taking Jake off of the point, and that was that. During the final game of the season against Saint John we had neither Voracek nor Bodnarchuk to play the point on the PP, and all three of our goals were scored on the PP, with our PP efficiency at 50%. Clearly some of the other guys could get the job done.

Anyway my point is: when you have a team which is loaded with offense for depth in scoring and then complain because on a roster with 9 defenseman, where we have two purely defensive defensemen, that those defenseman are just not getting it done for your offense, may I suggest you go to your bathroom - look in the mirror and tell yourself to fuck off.

Logan MacMillan
I used to not like Logan - I never understood why he was drafted to the NHL first round. Then he got injured and his production went down - way down. Now he is fighting tooth and nail for every scrap he can get his hands on (even though he was given the privilege of top line ice time). Sometimes he is literally fighting. He is also wonderfully defensive. I now love Logan MacMillan. If he is our 'star' player next year and gets his 'Diva on' I might go back to not liking him. My mind works in weird ways.

Also ...sometimes I think Logan MacMillan looks like Shia Labeouf. I don't know if that is good or bad.

...and the Volts just keep getting hotter
I think the Volts scout and draft by appearance. They run their team like I would run a team - draft that kid, I like his name and he is as cute as 1000 puppies in a basket made of kitten skins. Damn, that team consistently churns out hottie, after hottie, after hottie. That is not the bunny in me speaking, that is fact - take those boys out of hockey gear and they are still cute. How the fuck do they do it? Oh, me and my Volt coloured glasses. Drummondville are about to get 1000 x hotter in the goaltending department with the addition of Antoine Tardif (to be received at the draft for the Paris/Fréchette/Dyke trade at Christmas). Oh, how I wanted Tardif here. I figured maybe we could finagle a trade ...but then I realized that we would break him, so he is better off with the Volts. Tardif has been out of the Bathurst lineup for the majority of the second half because he has been suffering with pain from an ankle injury (with torn ligaments) which occurred in late January. It turns out that Antoine will require arthroscopic surgery for his ankle. Let's hope he has a speedy recovery. This is me throwing air kisses to Antoine's ankle.

Trades and the draft:
If rumour is true, The Mooseheads have made the dumbest trade in trade history. They supposedly agreed to trade 'unsung hero' PJ Corsi (getter of 28 points since Jan 1st) at the draft for enforcer David Bouchard (3 point getter since Jan 1st). Both boys are 19: PJ is a keeper - he is hitty and gritty; David is a sleeper - he will not be in the Q next year. So when all is said and done Drummondville gets two 4th round draft picks, one for 2008, and one for 2009 (do we get one back?) and an excellent 20 year old for the 2008-2009 season. We get a penalty prone enforcer who is more a liability because of his reputation, for half of a season.

We also supposedly traded first round rookie pick David Gilbert, a second round pick in 2008, and one of our top two defensemen - Guillaume Monast (at the draft), all for Maxime Sauve...only so we could turn around and give up Sauve and another 1000 draft picks for the next bajillion years only to land Brad Marchand for half a season.

Maxime is 18 and is expected to be an NHL first round draft pick this year. He also played on a lower tier team and yet statistically for the second half of the regular season:

Maxime "les sourcils" Sauve - 6 PIM
29 games 14 goals 17 assists = 31 pts

Brad Marchand - 40 PIM
26 games 10 goals 19 assists = 29 pts

They say hindsight is 20:20, but I personally had a ton of foresight this season...I said in October "the last thing we need is another Centre". However, to think of all that we gave up for Marchand (it has been said over and over again by EVERYBODY, so there is no need to rehash it)...at least Sauve was less of a liability and he could have brought some 'future game' and awesome 'eyebrow power'.

Anyway, wasn't I talking about Monast....let's get back to him. Now don't get me wrong, we can only have 3 twenty year old players, and I like Yeti, I like Andrew White, I like GrahamBo, but from a purely cold and calculated GM standpoint...who would you rather have: Corsi or White? Monast or Bona? Either Corsi or Monast over Yetman? Why were Monast and Corsi traded? Ce n'est pas difficile à comprendre.

Do not turn this around on me and say my Marchand argument should also apply to this...the 'go for the better player theory'. The point is that at the time we did not need him and we gave away everything to get him. Next year we will need good experienced players and we have left ourselves with only 3 guys who have played more than 4th line ice time, nor do we have the best possible group of 20 year olds. We do not have a single returning player who is statistically >1 PPG for last season. Only 3 are greater than 0.5 PPG. At least I can say that some of the possible returning 20 year olds have character and are grittastic.

Simon Després:
There is a Simon Després fanclub page on facebook. There are pictures of Baby Simon with his Baby Hockey trophies. He is tooooo adorable. Why does he make me want children? I hate children! But I like Baby Simon Després just like I like Baby Steve Mason. Baby hockey players - collect them all. I will have to create a rift in the space time continuum so that I can feed cookies to both Baby Simon and teenage Simon simultaneously. I seriously hope the Penguins don't try to get their grubby hands on him in the 2009 draft.

Dear Andrew White,
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really does! My brain might not belong to you but my heart sure does. You are my favorite now! I might try to scratch you behind the ears because puppies like that and you are so good at ice-puppy tricks.

Are you being a carpenter again this summer? Ohhh, you are so useful outside of the arena. If we were friends we could drink beer and discuss the Scandinavian aesthetics upon which our line of birdhouses and squirrel houses would be based. We could then go out, get really drunk, and make fun of everybody. In my drunken stupor I might try to pet you. Then we'd head home to catch the third period of some West coast hockey, only to pass out together on the sofa and wake up confused and really hungover with our feet in each other's faces. I would make you coffee and waffles for breakfast and it would be delicious. Wait...you would build me a bird house right?
Love
Q-girl

When two of your boyfriends meet

Tonight is going to be a blast. Lewy faces off against Saint John for the last time this season and I hope it is rocking. It is always fun when two of my favorite goalies are fighting for my love. It is especially poignant because the Mooseheads last two home games are against Lewiston and Saint John respectively.

It might just be too much for me to take. Bernier (please), Fullerton (if there is a God in heaven, please oh pretty, pretty please, with cherries on top), and Pelletier (hopefully, if not, Cam will see the backside of my hand) in my barn, all in the run of five days. The chances of immaculate conception are very high. I am suspecting that our baby will be the second coming of Martin Brodeur and that once born, every year after that will be 'the year a goalie stops everything' - war, famine, prejudice, pucks - literally everything.

I hope our baby comes out looking like baby Steve Mason, pads and all. It will likely be birthed in the stands or if I am driven crazy enough I will run into the crease and permanently affix myself to one of the baby daddy's legs (most likely Pelletier), and birth the baby there - in which case it will need its protective gear. Don't worry, immaculate conception babies just appear - it's not messy.

But who will I choose to help raise our baby? Last time I had a date with Pelletier he got phone numbers from 4 other girls, three of which were total tarts. I was sooo pissed I had to call up Yeti and get him to drive me home. On my last date with Bernier I was expecting a nice box of chocolates, maybe something Austrian/German like Mirabell Mozart Marzipan Kugeln, I got Ganongs instead. Fullerton was a good date, he gave me ....uuhhh, let's just call it satisfaction. The satisfaction is very important. Fully has also given me a recent bout of goalie rage and a poke-check in a shootout. It would appear as if he is thinking of me and trying to keep me happy even when he isn't playing in Halifax. What have you done for me lately P-O? No, looking pretty while riding the pine doesn't count. P-O and Bernier really have to step it up the next time they play in Halifax.

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Baby Steve Mason pic from TSN's world Jr Page photo gallery