Never mind the bollocks

I know, I know! I never write, I never call, heck I don't even PM. I leave you at home weeping into your keyboard and wondering if I will ever type the words blow job ever again. For my absence I am sorry. I have a little thing called a job (is a PhD a job?) and it has silly things like deadlines and pressures. Since today is a sunny day and I am involved in a vast conspiracy for slacking off while drinking beers on the rooftop of 'Your Father's Moustache' this afternoon, I figured I could also take a little time to slack in advance.

Moose news? What is that? Admittedly my post draft rants have been slow coming and I never listed all of our new draftees. It is with open arms I welcome following boys into the fold. No, they can't nuzzle into my boobies quite yet. I need to see them in a jersey first.

Round 1( #15)
Brent Andrews 1993-01-19 6'1" 183

Round 2 (#19)
Jamie Bishop 1993-03-14 6'0" 168

Round 3 (#49)
Matthew Boudreau 1993-03-09 5'8" 149

Round 4 (#67)
Trey Lewis 1993-05-31 5'11" 170

Round 4 (#72)
Carl Gélinas 1992-02-06 5'11" 172

Round 6 (#106)
Sawyer Hannay 1992-09-06 6'3" 190

Round 9 (#145)
Joel Grondin 1992-02-27 6'1" 192

Round 10 (#163)
Brett Bernard 1992-02-24 5'11" 170

Round 11 (#181 )
Steve Gillard 1992-02-01 5'10" 184

Round 12 (#197)
Kody Orr 1992-10-11 6'0" 170

I know nothing about these boys (except we drafted a lot of guys who want to go NCAA) but on draft weekend Matthew Wuest had a lot of coverage and so I will direct you to him. His pick by pick coverage is excellent except he fails to provide info on who the little hotties are. I suggest you stick with reading his stuff because he is all in the know and likely hasn't offered anyone a blowjob for information recently. This means he is legit. Me? Not so much!

Today you can read a post about our first round pick Brett Andrews. Andrews is still not sure if he wants to report and I am making angry fists in his general direction until he decides to come here.

“We’re not sure yet. We’re in discussions,” Andrews, 16, told the Charlottetown Guardian from his home in Hunter River, P.E.I. “It was a pretty big surprise. I didn’t expect them to pick me that high.”

May I also recommend Wuest's twitter feed?

The Moose are getting with the times:
The Mooseheads have also started a twitter feed and it is making me feel all tingly in my nethers. The next step may be a website overhaul. I mean really guys - get on it! They also had game announcer John Moore write about the draft. Maybe they can actually get around to getting him a real blog page like the Wildcats did with Les Stoodley. Not that I want to be pushed to the edge of the Moose blog-o-verse by a bunch of team sanctioned legits. I wish that blogging would get me free season tickets. Wouldn't that be nice?

The Moose used their twitter to show me this:

I mean, look at this fancy shnazmatazz (not a word)!!! This is Gabe the 2nd (now, Gabe the only) wearing our new jersey. The team put a picture up on their website but quickly removed it. I have yet to see a picture of the new uniform in full.

I just have one complaint. I know Gabe is pretty and all, and he is one of the few boys still around since he is going to school in Halifax, but dearest team - you must use more than one player for promotions. I hope to see more varied and different faces on promotional materials. 4th line players are still Mooseheads, ya' know! I need a little more MacDonald mullett in my life.

Ball hockey:
The CBC Play-On Ball Hockey tournament is taking place on the Halifax Commons this weekend. The Mooseheads will be playing a game against the Moncton Wildcats. I wonder if Gabe the 1st (now, Gabe the Huskie) will be playing or if he has been disowned by our ball hockey team as well. Will Brent Andrews lose his NCAA eligibility if he takes Gabe's place on the ball hockey team?

I will be there - but only because I will be acting as cheerleader, fluffer and trainer for my boyfriend...or at least that is what I will tell him. I may skulk over to the Mooseheads game and get my drool on.

Wuests' next big three:
Matthew Wuest has also updated his Q-flies to discuss three players that he thinks will have an impact next year. Included on the list are Gerrad "model's body" Grant*, Jessyko "puppy" Bernard, and Pascal "I don't have a nickname for him yet" Amyot.

This is what he has to say about Jessyko:

For a 20-game stretch last year, Bernard was scoring at a point-per-game pace on the top line with Tomas Knotek. Then he disappeared. But at 18, he'll be asked to take on a scoring-line role and has size and hands to rise to the occasion.

Wonderful. We like to blame Jessyko's lost production on a series of injuries/aggravated injuries during the second half. I have huge faith is Jessyko. Why didn't I bid on that Bernard limited edition V's Jersey? Blame the goalie!

Anyway, the point I want to make is not about the praise - it is about the dis below. Why do we let people comment in the newspaper? If they want a voice they can get a blog like me and then people can choose to read it or not to read it.

Newspaper comments bombard me with idiocy - I hate them. Metro reader Sonny says "Bernard would have to be in a lot better shape that he was to have a breakout season, his stamina was very low also he has to lose his hot dog attitude ( as in no more between period interviews, please)"

Sonny is clearly on crack. Jessyko's intermission interviews were the one thing I actually had to look forward to at last year's games. I want to see more singing, more fancy suits, more stylin' glasses, more luxurious mullet growth and the pimpin'est shoes - faux snakeskin perhaps. I wonder if he can dance in his blades? Hmmmmm? I think he should definitely give that a try. Never mind the bollocks, Jessyko.

NHL Draft:
I could compile a list of players from the Q who are expected to go in this years draft. If I am feeling like science is bogging me down I might just do it....or I might just opt for what I have been doing during my downtime all week - lapsing into a vegetative state on the sofa. I hope that Simon Despres and Olivier Roy get their just placements in the draft. I think it is about time the Devils drafted a new young goalie with a high pick. I also wish Gabriel O'Connor good luck with the draft and I really really hope that he has caught the eye of at least one NHL team who is willing to give him a chance.

Goalies:
Olivier Roy (Cape Breton) and Jake Allen (Montreal) have been invited to the Hockey Canada's national junior development camp in August. Congrats to the boys. I lubs me some goalie. I especially lubs me my Q- goalies. I am glad we will have two goalies reppin' the Q this year.

*Sweetie - I am NEVER going to let you live that down.

Negligent blogger returns for duty

Canadian Under 20 ball hockey team takes home the Gold (uhhhh 3 days ago):

Andrew White and Justin Pender just couldn't think of a gift to bring back to me when they return to Halifax for training camp in August. They thought 'maybe Q girl would like some newfie screech or some lingonberry jam'. Andrew argued that no, Q-girl would not like lingonberry jam because jams are a gift that you buy for old people, grandmas and stuff. Pender was bewildered. Then they asked the delightfully adorable Yeti what they could give me. They asked Yeti because they know that 'goalies are smart like that'. Yeti told them that classy ladies, like Q-girl, enjoy gifts of young men ensconced in gold. Ohhhh that boy IS smart.

Yes, Canada brought home ball hockey gold, and Justin Pender was (almost) king of the tournament with 5 goals and 3 assists. Here is a rundown of our victories:
Canada vs Bosnia Herzegovina 21:0 (AW - 1G, 3A; JP - 1G)
Canada vs USA 10:3 (JP - 3G, 1A)
Canada vs Italy 4:4 (AW - 1G; JP - 1G, 2A)
Canada vs Czech Republic 3:1 (AW - 1G)
Canada vs Slovakia 4:1 (AW - 1G)

All very well and good, we celebrate our gold by kissing Andrew and Justin all over! Halifax fans are very happy, yes? Overflowing with joy, yes? Ready to congratulate our boys on a job well done, yes? NO! Our fans are asshats. Wuest posted a small blurb about this in the Q-files and the only comment was from a fellow calling himself MC (MegaCunt I presume). MC says "If these guys can make the national ball hockey team then they must be playing against a bunch of girls or something. I wouldn't be surprised if the quality of play is less than that of the Play On tournament". To which Q-girl replies "MC deserves a swift and thorough kick in his MC".

For more info check out the Telegram.

Sea Dogs vs Huskies: Game 3. Warning – very bad language within.

Sea Dogs
Do we have to talk about this? Do we really? That Sirs was not “playing the trap”! You can’t fool me, I am a NJ Devils fan. Unlike your home town folks I stuck it out. I sat through every last miserable minute of that (while simultaneously watching Washington/Philly). I can’t believe your fans were leaving during the second period. What a bunch of selfish cunts. If I lived in Saint John I would build a little nest amoung the seats in Harbour Station and never leave. I would probably get fat from the food offerings available but maybe I could work it off if you would give me some ice time. I am seriously considering building a little nest at the Metro Centre. I stick around 'till the end, win or lose. I watch the announcement of stars; I clap for the enemy when they are given stars in our barn. I am a good fan. Despite what is happening to you right now, and even though you might not believe it - YOU ARE A GOOD TEAM.

The call back of your second goal was the worst and ended up being a total motivation destroyer for you. The refs just can’t do that. They cannot go back and review a penalty from before the goal occurred. I call bullshit. It is so weird that the same thing happened in Washington except the goal was allowed. Either call the penalty when it happens or let it go. What happened to Washington with the goaltender interference was so much worse than that silly high stick before the goal that was called on your play. Fucking bullshit.

Travis
If it is any consolation, I am an abysmal failure. If I were not, I would be writing my PhD instead of writing this blog. I have forgotten how to write science. Brain freeze happens to the best of us. I hope you have not quit on yourself. Now I actually, really want to hug you in a nurturing way. Allowing 3 goals on 7 shots is hard, and I really feel for you. When I saw the third one slip by you I said “Travis this is not for you, you have to go”. I think you heard me since you just up and skated away from the net. You pulled yourself from the game. You quit. Today is a new day my rough and tumble little goalie. Don’t give up on yourself, you are good enough. I have watched you all year and I believe in you. You brought the team this far. If it were not for you the Sea Dogs would not have been second in the East and definitely would not have made it to the semi-finals of the playoffs. It is a lot of pressure, but right now you have nothing to lose. Forget about the Mayor, forget about the Sea Dogs flag flying over city hall, and forget about the fans. This is just one more hockey game, possibly your last ever QMJHL game. Go out there and play it for you.

P-O
I can’t believe you would take your girlfriend to the Metro Centre. This is where we have our dates. I mean sure I take my boyfriend but he knows about us and he is cool with that. Sir I am offended. Leave now! No wait, stay! No goalie, don’t leave me! No, go! I need my head back and you are a huge distraction! No wait, stay! I want to look at you more. No, go. No, stay. No, wait. I am just going over here to cry.

Boys in the Q- they love you and leave you. I am heartbroken.

If the Moose are going to go down I hope we go down magnificently. I hope you get at least one chance in nets before our playoff run is done and I hope you rock it. I hope you get to continue on in hockey. I hope all the best for you because I have never been more emotionally invested in a little goalie in my whole life.

It smells like the sea today. You are really missing out, the weather here is great. Just thought you might want to know that. Rain was supposed to pour (like my tears) but that is not happening. How is Gatineau? Thundershowers! Overcast, with a 60% POP. That doesn't sound too good for Yeti!

I was happy to see that your girlfriend was not blond. She has perfect porcelain skin and she looks kinda surreal and otherworldly. Somewhat elven like you. Not bad Pier, not bad at all. If you like girls that can sing it is good that you chose her. When I sing, it can only be likened to the sound of clubbing baby seals. Not that I have heard what that sounds like, but I don’t think it would sound pleasant.

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Washington vs Philly:
There are so many turnovers in this series that it is like watching the Mooseheads play the Mooseheads, but with flashier goaltending. I suppose Biron would be Yeti and HueT would be Pelletier.

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News links:

Mooseheads prepare for game 3
Moose staying loose in spite of tough task
Moose will overcome 2-0 deficit
Gatineau stars had the edge

Sea Dogs
Dogs facing elimination

Titan
Taking it to the streets - A Brad Tesink story
Titan handed out Season ending Awards

Damn you Titan

Horray, the Sea Dogs are losing. Booo, the Titan are winning. Why is the live video feed down? This sucks.

While the Sea Dogs are technically 'the enemy' that we have to worry about right now, they have a fair number of players that I actually like: Fullerton, Després, Sauvé. I would hate for such nice young boys to walk away from a game with hurt feelings. Not only that, but the Sea Dogs have nice loyal fans. Good for them.

As I write this the game is ending. DAMN, shots were 40 to 18 in favour of the Titan in a 7-1 loss for the Dogs. Sea Dogs - you got spanked, kicked, and licked...and it wasn't even me doing the spanking or licking. Shame.

The Titan, on the other hand, are ensconced with asshole. I don't know that much about the Titan players, but I do know this about the Titan:
1) They had a fire sale during the last trade period
2) They got a new coach
3) Some combo of the above made them suddenly, and magically, hot as hell
4) During the winter trade period they got some of the Ds we could have used
5) They are based in Bathurst, and no one likes Bathurst
6) Mathieu Perreault's play must have been ignited by a spark at about the time of the fire sale, because damn... he had a point in 27 consecutive games, a streak which ended on Feb 15th... and already a new points-streak has begun.
7) Antoine Tardif has nice eyebrows. This little goalie 'got broked' and has gone missing. If you find him please let me know, I MUST ask him who does his brows.


8) Nicholas Champion is rocking it for such an inexperienced little back-up goalie.

9) They have literally 1000 back-up to the back-up goalies, none of which actually gets to play.
10) One of those back-ups to the back-up, Brad Dyke likes to chew on the neck of his jersey while he is sitting at the bench. This is called 'sweater munching'. I noticed this sweater munching when he was in Halifax while playing with Drummondville. I watch goalies A LOT, and as such I notice many of their weird quirks.
11) Their offense seems to actually be capable of making up for their sometimes shakey defense/goalkeeping (unlike some teams I know).
12) They have a small but vocal group of fans which act like huge assholes (hence the ensconcing).

...and so a loss for them is a kick in the teeth to these fans.

I really want them to start losing.
I hope the losing can begin this Sunday, 2:00 pm, at the Halifax Metro Centre.

Little Gifts

Dear Moose
Why do you give me pretty little gifts in fancy boxes on Wednesday only to turn around on Thursday and ask for those gifts back?

Yetman - Should I call you Yetty or Yeti? One of these is not a word (unless it is a word in Nfld ), the other is mysterious ice creature which conjures fear in the hearts of men. You choose. Anyway, good show last night. Apart from the shittiness of a goal during 5 on 3 play, your play in nets was on par with the Yetman of yor (aka - last year). Sure, you only faced 12 shots, but who is counting? Congrats and welcome back. I have missed you. I hope you can keep it up. As for the 5 on 3 PP goal - I think the refs were purposely attempting to screw with you just as you stepped into the nets in an attempt to break your fragile goalie brain. They could not break it. Fear the Yeti/Yetty.

Bouchard - Are you the new Steve Lund? Please stop taking penalties. Tell the refs that there is a vicious "female of the species" in the stands and that if they give you one more mystery call- "minor penalty to # 29 David Bouchard, two minutes for existing" I will climb over glass and rip out their throats with my bare teeth. I will do this in the most gruesome of manners and not in the more pleasant but grossly inappropriate "how I would nibble on the neck of Travis Fullerton" way.

White - You are always fun to watch. We can't say you never tried. But for the love of God, please shave. You are starting to look like a puppy. While I like you, and I love puppies, we really don't need you looking like a puppy. That being said, you do deserve some sort of treat for every puck you put in the net, because that is your special puppy trick. You didn't get a treat last night, but I am sure that if you keep it up one will be coming your way soon enough. I hope that your teammates appreciate you.
PS- While we are at it could you also shave Graham, including the back of his neck. It is getting nasty back there.

MacMillan - I have one word for you. Feisty. That is all.

Monast - If we are an offensive powerhouse, why is it that the only guy to score a goal last night was a defenceman? Good job Guy. Please take this goal, and your goal from Wednesday, and half of your third star privileges (also from Wednesday), as well as your good defencive play as of late, and throw them into the faces of every so-called offensive leader and delusional demi-God on your team. This does not include Voracek who is exempt from all punishment because he is not delusional, and because he may indeed have been promoted to God status - I wouldn't know because I haven't been to church lately. Now, take the other half of your 3rd star and give it to P-O for his performance on Wednesday, and then hastily take it away because of his performance on Thursday. That is what he gets for being such a tease.

Pelletier - Yes, you are a tease. The terrifying highs, the dizzing lows, and that is just what you do to me - it has nothing to do with the game. We (and by we, I mean you) were getting soooo close to 10th in the league again, and so close to a 0.9%. Baby steps. Learn from the little mistakes, keep your mind on the game and your eye on the puck. We need the real P-O, especially now that the D are playing like they are a goalie's best friend. Forget about the fact that I occasionally cheat on you with other goalies (I am ever so sorry). Everyone knows that you have me totally wrapped around your blocker, so you don't have to worry about my wandering eye. Forget about all the old fucks who call themselves Mooseheads fans and yet spend all their time ripping apart 20 year old boys just to make themselves feel better. It is as if dissing kids will make them a "real hockey fan". This is not Philly, so why does it feel like the fans are such douchebags?

Some of us actually like you, so please be the goalie that we know you can be. If only there was a candy that could express how I truly feel. I suggest you go to "Freak Lunchbox" on Barrington Street and buy yourself some POP-Rocks (I already have some for you but the truth of the matter is that I will never actually meet you to be able to give them to you). Put them in the locker room with your gear, and before every game look at them to remind yourself that you do indeed rock. Then go out onto our home ice and play like you rock. This will involve being a little bit bolder (you seem scared at home....you take less risks), playing the puck more (a-la the game in Baie Comeau), and continuing to challenge the shooters. You are the goalie, you know what you have to do.

Anyway, when I say "Bring it on", you say "It has been broughten!". I will be the one legitimately cheering every time a puck fails to enter the net.

Are you tired? Do you want to hear a bedtime story my little goalie? One Sunday during a game there was a douche who was sitting behind me and he voiced aloud that he thought you should stay deep in the crease during shootouts and not come out to challenge the shooters - HELLO!!! It is called cutting down the angle. Fucking Douche (I should not use such curse words in bedtime stories). Actually he didn't say to stay in the crease, he said to stay in your net - maybe like a little net troll (bedtime story made more 'bedtimey' by the addition of mythical creatures). This man is a season ticket holder, so he should know hockey by now. Let us all have a good laugh...because these are the kinds of people who judge you so harshly.

If it is any consolation, it looks like you totally scared the shit out of Benda. What a dirty look. Last night you reached an all time high for disgusted faces and dirty looks. Pissed off goalies may not be the most effective of players but they are the hottest kind of goalies.

Cam - the lines were great, the team seemed to be gelling, and we were actually winning games. So why the fuck did you have to go and change up the lines?

Everyone,
Think of it this way, we were destined to lose. Such is the yearly split between the Cape Breton Screaming Eagles and the Halifax Mooseheads. Four wins for us, four wins for them. It has been this way since the beginning of time, or at least it feels that way. To alter this delicate balance might have resulted in a tear of the space-time continuum. A win would have been nice, like a little kiss on the Sea Dog's collective foreheads to remind them where we stand. As of right now, we are breathing down their necks and I think it is turning them on more then it is scaring them. That is not right. I can live with a loss...next time however, can we make it a slightly less a shitty loss.

Now go play hockey like you mean it.
Q-girl

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A few other things of note:

Smith - I have wanted to say this for a long time but have had no outlet to do so until now, so bare with me: I know you are not playing right now and that you have a boo-boo on your hand which exempts you from taking any blame for Thursday's loss. Despite this, I am sure we have some fans out there that could still find a way to blame you. Here is my comment and question regarding you, and it is more a statement on the mentality of some Mooseheads fans: You are a big boy at 6'4 (yes, at 18 you are still just a boy), but did you ever think that you would would be the target of such widespread and aggressive bullying? Did you think that this bullying could come from men who are old enough to be your father? Chin-up little buddy. You may be 18 and probably act like you are 18, but at least you are not 45 and still acting like you are 18.

Goyens - I never had you pegged as a bad boy. Clearly I was wrong. Lucky for you that you never felt the full wrath of my love (yes my love IS a wrath) or I might have a harder time letting you go. You know you are 19 and you will never see another game in the Q again, right? OK. Just clearing that up. I don't know what you did to get kicked off of the team, but you were warned - so why did you have to go and be such a silly fool?
Kisses and a firm paddling on the ass. Now go home and cry to mommy and daddy.