Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Easy

I have compiled a list of easy to accomplish goals for the rest of this hockey season.

1) Finish with more points than the Prince George Cougars. Even if the Mooseheads end the season as the team with the worst record in the QMJHL at least they can say they are not the worst CHL team in the country.  The Mooseheads currently stand at 10, 33, 1, 2 in 46 games. Prince George are 9, 35, 1,1 in 46 games. Not only do PGC suck but they had the worst logo ever.

Ahhhh, its nice to have someone to laugh at! I mean, Prince George suck so much that you cannot drink beer at your seat, their food is shitty (no comment MC) and they don't have soap or paper towels in the bathrooms. Sounds like a class act.

2) Someone on the Mooseheads has to finish the season with at least a 1PPG statistical record. I'm looking at you Knotek and Grant! Pressure much? Knotek currently has 17 G and 18A for 35 points in 39 games. Grant will need to step it up as he has the exact same stats in 42 games. If by some divine intervention Carl Gélinas (25 points in 46 games) manages to pass these boys then I will personally join he and Gabe on their wedding night for a ménage à trois. Ok, admittedly, that sounds like more of a threat. No one wants to hit this! Well, maybe Randell; he seems to like older women. Speaking of which...

3) Secure your facebook page. Did you know that most of y'all have not properly secured your facebook pages since the latest big facebook change. This means friends of friends can read your wall. When you have 1000 shallow and pointless  facebook friendships, and all of those people have 1000 shallow and pointless facebook friendships, it means a lot of people can read your wall.

No need for deep thoughts Alex Lemieux. What you really need to do is deal with the simple things you can control. No licking whores (so tempting, I know), no licking dirty hockey equipment,  no eating worms, and take a few seconds to secure your fb page.

Because of this carelessness I now know things I never needed to know. Hey, I am just curious and they left it out there.  I also have an intimate pimple map of every boy's face on my team burned into my brain.

4) Get clearer skin and feel more confident. When you feel confident and handsome you never have to worry about if that girl is looking at your acne when she is supposed to be admiring your stickhandling. When you worry like that you are distracted and may do stupid things like make backwards passes to 'Noone' at the blueline.  I swear this 'Noone' guy is like our 7th player and he really sucks, so stop passing to him.

Anyway, I still get pimples and they make me feel like a chump. Wanna know a great acne medication for mild acne? 'Clean and Clear' Continuous Control Acne Cleanser. It's got 10% benzoyl peroxide so it can bleach the shit out of everything and it may cause some irritation the first few uses but once it is routinely used it is like 'pow' to pimples. Just try it.

5) Defeat Bathurst. I mean, COME ON guys!

6) Get Delmas an appropriate helmet. Attendance may be down but it's not like the team is poor. They can afford to get the boy a bucket... a pretty one... by a good artist. Get him a helmet  that requires some thought in the execution of its design and that takes a few days to paint.

7) Update the MooseMinutes on you tube

8) No more broken wrists. Grant, Abeltshauser, Lemieux and Bahm all had wrist injuries this year. I swear it is like they are trying to emulate me and my wonky right wrist. While imitation is the sincerest form of flattery they are going to need their hands to...
...control their stick. Yeah, that's it.

9) Remember that we have 2 goalies. This is Corbeil's draft year (projected 3rd in North America by the latest ISS release) and Delmas needs rest time for his wonky hip.

10) Try your hardest. Please remember that, statistically speaking, the Mooseheads are the worst team in the league.  'Almost wins' and 'tight games' don't go on the record books as anything other than losses. The blowouts don't cease to exist just because they are in the past. Women aren't like men. We remember all of your little mistakes and we save mention of them for the appropriate times.

Don't go getting all high and mighty every time some shitty, small-town team like Bathurst walks into our barn. It might not be an easy game. You can't expect every team to take you for granted and come out playing half-assed because they know that this year you are 'ghetto fabulous'.  Teams like Bathurst are struggling just as desperately (if not moreso) for those 2 points. There is no such thing as luck. When they try harder, they win. Period.

6 comments:

eyebleaf said...

Number four is key, yo.

Q-girl said...

Zits are the bain of my existence. I really do envy those people with the perfect skin.

My mother lied to me when she said I would outgrow them. My mother lies a lot.

wrap around curl said...

PG is so bad. Its sad sometimes.

RedFridayGirl said...

So much to comment on this week.. Happy you are back to blogging.. I actually missed your posts.

#1 - WTF no soap or paper towel and not drinking beer in your seats... is this team secretly prison inmates?

#2 - HAHAH love this comment.. nothing wrong with older women.. unless of course an orange jump suit is involved.

#3 - I think that you should give this lesson to 1/2 the facebook users out in cyberspace though it makes me secretly wonder if these people actually want you to creep???

#4 - CONFIDENCE is the KEY to any success. I think the guys need a motivator to build up their confidence and morel1 I also think they need a sex councilor hello people we have 16-20 year olds with raging hormones hand out the free condoms after games/ practices.. i see all the puck bunnies.WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS this isn't Vegas people... and Q-girl my mom lied as well when do we grow out of zits?

#5- YOU CAN DO IT

#6- Come on... another teams helmet on our program?? Hello spend the f-ing $$ and get him a new one.

#7 - AGREED

#8- Get better soon all our injured players, you look so sad sitting up in nose bleed typing on your phones...

#9 - Again Agreed if you bench a guy for too long he will get rusty (how can you not) and he will lose confidence in himself. WE LOVE CORBEIL - WE KNOW THIS WILL BE HIS YEAR!!!!

#10 - Go Moose.. So much pressure for our young guys.. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!! YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!!!

Q-girl said...

@WAC. I wonder if fans of other teams look at my Moose and think that?

@RFG. What? they can still use their fingers for texting and yet I am sitting there getting no texts! Shameful! Where are my sweet textual nothings? All I get are tweets from John Moore and I can honestly say that that is not an age appropriate relationship either.

I am injured too (pulled something in my leg while exercising). I think I should have sat with injured players so that I can get workout advice.

RedFridayGirl said...

I know bastards.. next time head right up there sit in the middle and make them pay attention to you.

Sorry to hear about your leg.. Can i use your injury before I meet with my trainer on Friday?