I have compiled a list of easy to accomplish goals for the rest of this hockey season.
1) Finish with more points than the Prince George Cougars. Even if the Mooseheads end the season as the team with the worst record in the QMJHL at least they can say they are not the worst CHL team in the country. The Mooseheads currently stand at 10, 33, 1, 2 in 46 games. Prince George are 9, 35, 1,1 in 46 games. Not only do PGC suck but they had the worst logo ever.
Ahhhh, its nice to have someone to laugh at! I mean, Prince George suck so much that you cannot drink beer at your seat, their food is shitty (no comment MC) and they don't have soap or paper towels in the bathrooms. Sounds like a class act.
2) Someone on the Mooseheads has to finish the season with at least a 1PPG statistical record. I'm looking at you Knotek and Grant! Pressure much? Knotek currently has 17 G and 18A for 35 points in 39 games. Grant will need to step it up as he has the exact same stats in 42 games. If by some divine intervention Carl Gélinas (25 points in 46 games) manages to pass these boys then I will personally join he and Gabe on their wedding night for a ménage à trois. Ok, admittedly, that sounds like more of a threat. No one wants to hit this! Well, maybe Randell; he seems to like older women. Speaking of which...
3) Secure your facebook page. Did you know that most of y'all have not properly secured your facebook pages since the latest big facebook change. This means friends of friends can read your wall. When you have 1000 shallow and pointless facebook friendships, and all of those people have 1000 shallow and pointless facebook friendships, it means a lot of people can read your wall.
No need for deep thoughts Alex Lemieux. What you really need to do is deal with the simple things you can control. No licking whores (so tempting, I know), no licking dirty hockey equipment, no eating worms, and take a few seconds to secure your fb page.
Because of this carelessness I now know things I never needed to know. Hey, I am just curious and they left it out there. I also have an intimate pimple map of every boy's face on my team burned into my brain.
4) Get clearer skin and feel more confident. When you feel confident and handsome you never have to worry about if that girl is looking at your acne when she is supposed to be admiring your stickhandling. When you worry like that you are distracted and may do stupid things like make backwards passes to 'Noone' at the blueline. I swear this 'Noone' guy is like our 7th player and he really sucks, so stop passing to him.
Anyway, I still get pimples and they make me feel like a chump. Wanna know a great acne medication for mild acne? 'Clean and Clear' Continuous Control Acne Cleanser. It's got 10% benzoyl peroxide so it can bleach the shit out of everything and it may cause some irritation the first few uses but once it is routinely used it is like 'pow' to pimples. Just try it.
5) Defeat Bathurst. I mean, COME ON guys!
6) Get Delmas an appropriate helmet. Attendance may be down but it's not like the team is poor. They can afford to get the boy a bucket... a pretty one... by a good artist. Get him a helmet that requires some thought in the execution of its design and that takes a few days to paint.
7) Update the MooseMinutes on you tube
8) No more broken wrists. Grant, Abeltshauser, Lemieux and Bahm all had wrist injuries this year. I swear it is like they are trying to emulate me and my wonky right wrist. While imitation is the sincerest form of flattery they are going to need their hands to...
...control their stick. Yeah, that's it.
9) Remember that we have 2 goalies. This is Corbeil's draft year (projected 3rd in North America by the latest ISS release) and Delmas needs rest time for his wonky hip.
10) Try your hardest. Please remember that, statistically speaking, the Mooseheads are the worst team in the league. 'Almost wins' and 'tight games' don't go on the record books as anything other than losses. The blowouts don't cease to exist just because they are in the past. Women aren't like men. We remember all of your little mistakes and we save mention of them for the appropriate times.
Don't go getting all high and mighty every time some shitty, small-town team like Bathurst walks into our barn. It might not be an easy game. You can't expect every team to take you for granted and come out playing half-assed because they know that this year you are 'ghetto fabulous'. Teams like Bathurst are struggling just as desperately (if not moreso) for those 2 points. There is no such thing as luck. When they try harder, they win. Period.