Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Much Ado about Alex Lemieux

Remember just two blog posts ago...say ummmm way back in November, when I told Alex Lemieux there was nothing he could do to stop my love? Well I guess requesting a trade and not returning to the team was an extreme approach to stopping my love.

Now, as a paranoid Capricorn I would say not that Alex was upset about his lack of ice time but that he, also a paranoid Capricorn,  was afraid of me "getting him". This became particularly evident when they let me into the skate with the Moose event. Didn't Alex let the Mooseheads administration know that he had a restraining order out on me? Don't they care about his safety? Don't they know the chick with the "sexy toque" and the six year old timbit-hockey-playing child-friend (aka my timbits boyfriend) is a danger to all boys aged 16 to, ummmm, lets say 25?

Alas, no! So Alex is hiding at home and has possibly dyed his hair so that I don't recognize him
...and my new boyfriend Gabe Desjardins is also at home with a leg that needs kisses
...and goalie boyfriend Anthony Terenzio is trapped in AMERICA

To make matters worse half the team is in hiding at tournaments in other parts of the country...all because they found out the Mooseheads organization allowed a crazy lady on the ice with them.

At least Mathieu Corbeil and Charles Bety are not scared.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Feed the birds

The NHL preliminary 2011 draft rankings were released today and the Mooseheads own Brent Andrews is listed at #14 for the QMJHL.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

yawning or snarling (busy or lazy)

Oh hey, long time no see. I mean, I see you, because I do go to games but you don't see me because I don't blog...so... creepy one-way-relationship here, I know.

I am trying to make it better for us my dears. I have written and submitted a PhD thesis. Somehow over 88,000 words were written. Words about science, not words of coo and love for young hockey players. Sometimes a girl has to have her priorities set straight. Then someday I will get a real job ...and you can haz sugahmamma. 

For now I just have a few things to say:
1) Shut up Lemieux. You are too my number 1 forward boyfriend! There is no denying me and there is nothing you can say to stop it. I don't even care if you hate me.
2) Ciampini pronounced as "Champini" sounds like type of mushroom. Probably the mushroom that Carl Gelinas lives in. Yes, Carl Gelinas is a wood sprite.  I mean LOOK AT HIM! Secret mystical forest powers in this boy, I tells ya.
3) Hannay, stop it with that evil grin. Owwww my loins. Sometimes Hannay pisses me off by choosing to play dumb thug over smart defenceman...and then he gives that evil grin and I cannot help myself.
4) Stop losing. You are sucking the very spirit from me. Moreso than even writing my thesis did. I know. Easier said than done. But no, really, stop!
5) Terenzio! When you make that  "shhhh" motion in your custom team video it is like WE have some sort of secret to hide. A secret you keep stored in your luxurious head of hair. Don't you know I have a weakness for goalies? Even short ones with really tight suspenders and no fear of getting into scrums. Ohhh feisty. Me likes. Shhh. Don't make it be like that. It would be so wrong.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010


Yes he is in there... a player at Canucks prospect camp....wearing the same shirt I saw him wearing in Cuba, when he was disguised as citizen Hannay and not hockey player Hannay. He can't escape me. Sometimes he tries, by wearing a blue T-shirt to blend in with the other boys, but it doesn't work.

Also, Sea Dog Steven Anthony is running the prospect blog this year, so I suggest checking him out...if you like Sea Dogs (the bath house, or the team, whichever you choose).

Good luck on the grouse grind boys. No diss but some of my girlfriends did it today. I don't know their times, but I hope and pray the Q-boys can do better.

Friday, June 4, 2010

...but jessyko never liked you back

Yes, the 2010 QMJHL draft has started and yes, I still care. It is just that I am trying to write a PhD thesis here and eventually getting a real job with real pay is slightly (just slightly) more important than blogging about one of the world's most disappointing Jr hockey teams during their (VERY EXTENDED) offseason.

So today Cam Russell pulled the trigger on his first move of the trade period and swapped my beloved Jessyko Bernard to the Rouyn Noranda Huskies for a 5th round pick in 2011. Basically, Jessyko has less value to Cam than a used jock strap stuffed with old banana skins. I (and, like, everyone else on the planet) always got the feeling that Cam was not fond of Jessyko.


My "real" boyfriend tried to put it into terms to make me have a slightly reduced case of the sads after I whined "Why do my feelings not matter?"

He said "... but Jessyko never liked you back".

Pure lies. I am sure of it. I am so crazy it is nothing but absolutely adorable. Right Jessyko?

I would wear a 50 pound beard of bees for that boy...

...or just this shirt.

Monday, March 29, 2010

This is something

So the QMJHL finally got around to putting up some info about Marcel Robert trophy candidate and Mooseheads defenceman Pascal Amyot.

I have some words of advice for wannabe doctor Amyot.

So you think medicine is glamorous? Everyone wants to be a Doctor. No, literally EVERYONE.  There is nothing glamorous about night shift at emergency, foot fungus, pap tests, kidney stones and prescribing hemorrhoid cream. This is what most doctors deal with on a daily basis. Forget medicine. Go into dental surgery. You only have to work 9-5 and you make tonnes of money. Most stupid kids don't even go into medicine because they want to help people. They go into it because they think it is the "ultimate job" for smart science types. Fuck that. Medicine is for wankers.

So is doing a PhD, but that is another story entirely!!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010


So the Mooseheads lost 4-1 (empty netter) to the dirty, flea infested Screagles... but who cares. Today I saw Jessyko Bernard modeling  a striking pair of lederhosen.

Du bist mein Mann? Ja?
Ohhh Ja!


*more later, maybe?

Friday, February 19, 2010


Nobody likes a fun killer...so thanks a lot stinky Sea Dogs for a 6-2 ass whoopin' on Wednesday night. A whoopin that happened almost entirely within a 3 minute span of the third period. The Sea Dogs are almost as much of a downer as me and I have been spending years perfecting my "misery" skillz.

Wha? Nah!

I am feeling better, crawling out of my neurosis induced rut. I think that a shootout win by team Canada and getting to look at Martin Brodeur, his sexy Santa belly and his scruffy old chest protector helped a bit.

...but this is a Mooseheads blog not a Team Canada blog and it is most definitely not my "dear, Diary" so I should just get over my emotional outbursts and stick to hockey.

The Moose played a scrappy game against the Sea Dogs and the Sea Dogs scrapped back. As Lady GaGa would say "It's not how big, it's how mean" which could, if you would like, help to explain the usefullness of Garrett Clarke. I would be a fool if I ignored his diva-like behavior since it sometimes makes the game funner to watch. I mean, it's not fun to watch your team lose in the last minutes of the game while Clarke sits in the penalty box diddling with himself. No, that's not fun at all. What is fun is when he destroys boys with big hits and frustrates the shit out of the opposing team and makes all hell break loose on the ice.

I ascribe to a similar philosophy but I actually prefer big AND mean (take that as you will)...

... so when Clarke throws Sauve off his game and makes him behave all like the Cunty princess of Cuntland on blades, well, then I get really excited. I don't yell and scream like some Mooseter club loonies (oh, they know who they are), instead I just sit and calmly watch it all unfold like a graceful display of dickishness and anarchy. It is beautiful. Well, not Clarke's acting. That is more in line with the work of Heidi Montag than, say, Cate Blanchett. Kid deserves a Razzie for his dives.

I mean, really? What did you expect would happen when the "best" team in the country finally decided to "show up"?

The positive part was the Mooseheads penalty kill, which was a travesty that first night in Rimouski, was back on form. The Dogs were only able to score on 1/8 power play opportunities.

The Moose also DOMINATED faceoffs - winning 41 of 58. So if you are looking at the Sea Dog's Zach Phillips and thinking "oh wow": 1 goal, 2 assists and 1st star honors - just remember he was 1/9 on the faceoffs.  He ain't so hot!

On a similar vein, when I had looked at Tomas Knotek's faceoff stats while in Rimouski I almost cried. I was ready to fly to the Czech republic, kidnap his girlfriend and have her forcibly confined back in Canada. We could smuggle her from game to game in a hockey bag in the guts of the bus. Tomas' rommie could sleep in the hall while he got his 'thang' on. Tomas plays much, MUCH better when there is a girl around that he feels the need to impress*.

No diss on Tomas though. He played an OK game. He wasn't as dominant as he can be, but he did have a goal. He is now 3 points from that elusive PPG status (48 points in 51 games). Bety had the other goal and was the recipient of starz. Cookies go to Linden Bahm though because we had a "moment" in the first period where he was being all feisty... which ended with him blocking a shot and getting hurt and then beings slightly less feisty...but still. Don't deny us our moment!

As for Corbeil. Wow. You know during the breakaways and all that he was a total beast. In fact he was a beast for about 57 minutes. Unfortunately, it is all fun and games until someone loses an eye ...or allows 3 goals in a brief 3 minute span. No hate. Just love. Love and chocolate! I am a very forgiving girl. I wonder if Mathieu can do 1-legged squats? hmmmmmmmm. If he demonstrated a one-leg squat for me I would make sure he got his chocolate. Actually,  Delmas also gets chocolate. I mean he answered Ovie over Crosby. That is the correct answer! No one-legged squats required.

Special note to Alex LeMeowMeowMeowMeow. 
Maybe fighting isn't your thing. There is really no harm in being a "lover, not a fighter". Of course, there is no harm in being a lover AND a fighter either, but that is more of an off-ice activity.

Very late News links
Lineup: Sea Dogs at Mooseheads
Moose fall 6-2 in hard-hitting affair
Moose agitate, but can’t win
Gelinas 'a possibility' to miss rest of season
Gelinas could be out for season
Sea Dogs dump Moose

* She's already yours, so no need for theatrics.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You'll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right

Slack assed? I know!

Admittedly, I have missed blogging about the past two Mooseheads games which took place on the road in Rimouski. The first was a 9-6 loss and the second a 2-1 loss. Travis Randell had a hattie in the 9-6 loss, hence why he got cookies, while all of Delmas, Bernard, Gelinas and Amyot sustained serious injuries and did not even have cold cookies which they could use as ice packs. So sad!

Poor crippled and broken boys trapped alone with nothing to hump on them over the "weekend of love" except their road roomie.

Cookies for the Valentines day game go to Corbeil - because he is my #1 QMJHL boyfriend, because it was valentines AND because he allowed only 2 goals in 31 shots despite playing with a somewhat injured knee. I am beginning to believe that he grows his hair all 'up and out' so that he can be a peacock for me. It's just his way of bringin' his shine.

So last weekend was a bit of a bust. While I was hoping at least for an infinite number of over-time games - that just won't be happening. I never get what I want anyway, so I should be used to this by now. I am a pessimist so I don't hope for wins - that would be too much to ask for. All I really want now is for the boys to be able to bring it into overtime.


There is some good news in Mooseworld, however. Pascal Amyot was nominated as the Mooseheads candidate for the Marcel Robert Smartypants Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence...or something like that. Good for him. He should be proud of being smarter than the other hockey players (sometimes it doesn't take much - oh, snap!).

Travis Randell was also the team's scholastic player of the month. This is AFTER he told us in last Month's Faces magazine that he was sucking out in school last term (in so many words).

Speaking of Faces Magazine (which I absolutely hate because it is a frivolous piece of fluff) - there is a profile on My Beloved Jessyko Bernard in the February issue. They also have the "best of" voting going on right now - so you can vote for your favorite Moosehead. Last year Yeti won....and we all know how awesome his life is right now (double snap). It's OK though because he has his faces magazine "Favorite Moosehead" prize and his " 2009 Director's Choice" award to keep him warm.

Is that mean?

Good! I have every right to be a miserable bitch sometimes! Sometimes you try to be nice and it gets you nowhere, which is why I am just going to be the bitch 'someone' always thought I would be. Eventually everybody is just trash to be thrown out and feasted upon by freegans. Right? Fuckin' garbage eating hippies.

Can you tell that I am in a hideous mood? I have been for a while now. I am angry. I am fighting angry! I am explosively angry! If I had atomic bomb capabilities like Sylar on Season 1 of Heroes I would probably try to take the whole world down with me. I WANT to sink to whole new lows... but I am not a complete asshole. Not even when scorned.

I have been listening to far too much Fiona Apple and while it does not make me miserable, in and of itself, she does basically manage to touch on all of my recent emotional states. She's my kindred spirit (the OTHER one who is not Alex Lemieux). 

I can't seem to take pride in all the awesome things I have done in the past month - like get my paper published in a prestigious science journal and whiddle my waist down by two inches - all I do is dwell on the most miserable things. I kinda don't want to write the blog because my sense of humour has gone out the door with my...whatever else it is that I have lost (Joie du vivre?). What's the point if I can't deliver the goods?

Q-girl can't seal the deal! I am so sorry for that. I hate to disappoint people. If you have read my profile you will notice that I even hate to disappoint my i-pod. I am a bit of a mierenneuker. I want perfection from myself and lately I just can't produce.

Tonight the Moose take on the #1 ranked Saint John Sea Dogs. How will they do? Will I be willing to blog about it in a witty and insightful manner or will I just slump home and proceed to dig myself deeper into my pit of misery? Stay tuned.

Edit - News Links
Playing to his potential - A Desjardins' story

*post title courtesy of Fiona Apple

Friday, February 12, 2010

11 days later

I hope everything has calmed down in the world.

Clearly, I have brought the blog back online. To punish me for going offline the Moose played bunch of awesome games and got 5 muthafuckin' points in their last 3 games

...and my blog was down (insert your own reason why in here) so I couldn't write about my beloved Mooseheads.

For those not in the know the Mooseheads spent this past week being awesome. They lost 5-4 in the shootout against the #1 ranked Saint john Sea Dogs, then they (finally) defeated their arch rivals the Cape Breton Screaming Eagles by a score of 3-2. Last, but not least, they won 5-4 in the shootout against the PEI Rocket.

The only team in the division that the Mooseheads have not yet defeated this season - the BATHURST TITAN. There are no words. NO WORDS. Well, one word - shame!

  • There was Garrett Clarke drama. See here, here, and here.
  • Knotek has been possessed by a demon. He is all feisty and shit. Hitting people even!
  • Desjardins is on fire with  2 goals, 2 assists and one shootout winner in the past three games.
  • The newspaper wrote a story about my defenceman boyfriend Hannay. Speaking of boys who fight: I am watching hockey highlights right now and I wonder - why the fuck does anybody even try to fight Chara? It's not even like you get a moral victory. It's just stupid and embarrassing for the guy who is "not Chara".