Saturday, July 18, 2009

Pens fans are the lamest....except for Lori

There exists a sinister underbelly in the hockey world. No, not the drinking, or the fighting or even the man-whoring. I am talking about the fan fiction.

Sure I have my own imaginary world(s) in which:
1) Former Moosehead Andrew White catches me fish and builds me birdhouses
2) Former Moosehead Pier-Olivier Pelletier and I live like mythical woodland creatures and he carves Eero Aarnio reproductions out of root vegetables for our smurf style mushroom house.
3) I have a torrid and steamy love (and by love, I mean... fucking) affair with former Saint John Sea Dogs Goaltender and CIS champion Travis Fullerton.
4) Replace Travis Fullerton with former Gatineau Olympics goaltender Ryan Mior for a similar but possibly naughtier scenario. Doesn't he just look naughty? Naughty goalies are my favorite kind of goalie! Then the hockey Gods, just to make it worse for me, had to go and make him a Newfie. This is an irresistible combination.
5) Moosehead winger Jessyko Bernard and I are ballroom dance partners... and we WIN at life.
6) The Penguins disband and my favorite former Q players are free to pursue other teams. They all choose the Devils.

...but these fantasies are totally excusable because it is me, and most of the time it is just for laughs. Most of the time! *side eyes in the general direction of Travis Fullerton*.

Oh! Speaking of the Penguins - their fans have the MOST ridiculous fantasy lives. There is possibly more fan fiction written about Penguins players than about all other NHL players in the history of the game. I mean sure, a Gump Worsley story is HOT but those 'back in the day' ladies can't compete with the awesome imagination of today's wannabe puckbunnies.

Without further ado I give you "Hockey, Football, and Stiletto Shoes" guide to Penguins' fan fiction. I just wanted to let Simon Despres*, Keven Veilleux, Alex Grant, Joey Haddad, Zach Sill (Raaawr... totally fantasy worthy) and others know what exactly they were getting themselves into when they chose to sign those contracts with the Penguins.

*There is still hope for Simon as he is currently unsigned.


wrap around curl said...

The Pens fanfic is some of the strangest, most bizarre stuff ever.

Q-girl said...

Pens fanfic makes me feel so normal and mentally well adjusted.

Lori said...

haha, omg. I'm so flattered to get the shout out. The frenchies better watch out. Fantasies get the freakiest when there's a Talbot or Letang involved.