Friday, March 7, 2008

Titan of the Corn

Dear P-O
Do you remember the first time you saw Children of the Corn? What, you haven’t seen it? It was before your time? Damn, I AM old!!! Anyway, I remember the first time I saw Children of the Corn. It scared the shit out of me. My girlfriend and I lay there on opposite sides of her bed watching the movie and holding each others feet for security. Well tomorrow we head into what, for all intents and purposes, is Gatlin Nebraska and I am scared. Foot-holding levels of scared. Can I hold your feet?

It is not that I don’t have confidence in you, because I do. You have defeated Bathurst…once…on Oct 13, and you only let in 5 goals and ahhhh…. have I told you lately that I am scared. I want you to win and I want you to do it letting in two goals or less. OK. Let’s just think good thoughts – like about games against B-C…..mmm good thoughts.

Also, please tell Guillaume that if the D don’t play their hardest then it is over between the two of you. You and Guy have been inseparable since day 1, but if the D can’t help you out with this one then I think it is time for you to finally break up.

I think it is very important for the forwards to not lose hope. Bathurst are not the strongest team defensively, and I actually think we are stronger. On any given night we ‘should’ be able to score 6 against the Titan (please take note of the little quotey marks). The problem is the forwards seem to lose momentum when we are down. We can’t let them do that. Blah blah blah 60 minutes of hockey, blah blah solid effort, blah blah blah hard work blah.
Please, play by the motto “it has been broughten.” Why? Because it is the shitkickinest phrase ever. I use it a lot, even when I kill insects for science. It really is a multipurpose phrase. Expect me to run it into the ground.

Do you boys want the key? To beat the Titan you have to play like the Titan. Dirty. Then, just pound the shit out of them, hit them into the boards every chance you get. Give Whitey a kiss for me if he pulls out that magic goal should we get down, and be aware that Yeti/Yetty is on the bench and he has my permission to kick any of y’all in the shins if you cannot get your shit together. Goalies often have the sharpest skates so his kick should be deadly.

Saint John:
Have you been considering your playoff hair? I can’t tell you what to do but may I recommend not going bleach blond. I know, I know, Moncton will not be needing their standard ‘do’ this year because they will not be making it into the playoffs, but that is no reason for you to pilfer their nasty style. Do we really need Fully looking like this again? Hell no!!! On top of that, to subject poor little Simon and his pretty eyebrows to bleach blond hair… I forbid it!

To think that Moncton blew a 3 goal lead tonight ferchristsakes… and now CB is only two points behind you. Moncton have a way of screwing you even when they are not playing you. Now THAT is a divisional rivalry. We need some combo of CB/ Bathurst/Lewy playing each other in the first round to at least eliminate one of these teams before round two. Sorry dogs, but right now you are really not scaring me (and I hope by saying that, it does not come back to bite me on the ass).

Rumor has it that you were punching glass and breaking sticks all in a fit of goalie–rage at the end of the game in Lewy.
I do not believe that your stick broke because I saw you walking to the locker room with it and it looked intact. If even part of this is true you are indeed going to need some broken splintery sticks and soon, because you are inadvertently driving me wild. I hear Stich’s has a lot of broken sticks you can borrow. May I also suggest you invest in some vampire slaying courses within the next two weeks…you are going to need to learn how to use those sticks to fend me off when you come to Halifax. That is, unless of course, you are coming to the Metro Centre looking for a spanking, in which case I will readily oblige. I already have my paddle.


There will be a Carey Price Behind the Mask feature on "TSN’s Molson that’s hockey" this Friday March 7.

On a side note: I have just discovered Maxime Sauve’s eyebrows. We gave him away for Marchand? Have you seen Marchand’s
eyebrows? Exactly. This is not about skill…this is about eyebrows. Maxime has just made my list. Welcome Maxime.

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