First off, everybody gets a new razor and shave gel in their Christmas stocking. Everybody. My team are starting to look a pack of skeezy 1970’s pick-up artists. I know they are all just growing moustaches because I said I have a fetish, but that died the day my boyfriend grew a moustache and forced me to kiss him.
Scott McDonald - Pool lessons and a geometry text book. Then I am going to get the internet access of everybody who bitches on the message boards cut off just so that we don't have to deal with them anymore.
Ryan Matheson – Ice time. I don’t want him to still be classified as a rookie in the 2009-2010 season.
Alex MacDonald - Extra mullet. Everyone wants the luxurious Eastern European hair bits that stick out the back of his helmet to be gone. I want to accentuate them – which is why he is getting clip-on hair pieces.
Richard Greer – A home gym and sessions with a personal trainer. The complete Hannah Montana dvd collection.
Matthew Snow – Tweezers, and a chair so he can work on his occasional balance issues.
Tomas Knotek – Extra time with Richard Greer so that he can take advantage of the home gym, and a good calling plan so that he can keep in touch with all of his long distance friends…sometimes Skype just doesn’t cut it.
Travis Randell – A new fake ID. In this one he can have his goatee, a further sign of his extremely manly hair growing abilities. Speech lessons to tone down the accent.
Gabriel Desjardins – We are actually going to harvest the hair from everybody else's face and make a little real-hair beard for Gab. Unfortunately, it will be a calico beard. He will also be getting a copy of “What’s going on down there” and a fly swatter to bat away the girls.
Gerrad Grant - A practice net so he can work on his shootout move. The complete ANTM dvd collection so that he can determine his best strut and learn how to smile with his eyes.
Jessyko Bernard - An undercoat comb, a very comfy puppy bed and some delicious puppy biscuits. Extra razors because this is just wrong. The Spice Girls Greatest Hits box set and Dance Dance Revolution
Justin Pender – Hooked on phonics. Soap for his potty mouth.
Charles Bety РA one album record deal Рhis rendition of Fr̬re Jacques was like angels singing in my ears.
Ben MacAskill – An MCAT study guide and a date with my friend AN. Honestly, if for no other reason than the fact that she needs a new guy in her life. The current one is kind of a dud.
Alexis Piette – A Dick Dastardly and Muttley costume complete with aeroplane. Jessyko can be Muttley. That is the look you are going for right? From this moment onward OMAM will be referring to Alexis by the name Dick Dastardly.
Mathieu Corbeil – A disco ball and something bright and colourful like this spiderman height growth chart.
Mark Yetman – A sexy blow-up sheep.
Gabriel O’Connor – A penalty box for his bedroom so that he can get all of his urges to spend time in the box over and done with before he steps foot on the ice.
Graham Bona – A whole game without an unforced turnover, followed by a sushi date with me. We will also get a ball-gag for the guys who sit behind me and criticize you all game. Oh wait, that helps me more than it helps you. Now, speaking of whipping boys and ball gags….
Ned O’Brien - What do you get for the guy who has everything but offensive skills? You get a skills detector... it is like a metal detector but it is still in the theoretical stages of development. Maybe you can use it to find all those offensive skills you lost once you made the team.
Matt Boland – A shoulder transplant. We are getting him all new titanium shoulders.
Yuri Cheremetiev – An Alexander Mogilny NHL Hockey series 3 toy – a simple reminder to him of what he should be striving to play like.
Eric Louis-XVI – A magic bag. It can be both hot and cold, for whatever kind of pain relief you need. More success with the rest of your game. We know you can hit…now let’s try something else.
1 comment:
This is so amazing. I think Jessyko's made me laugh the hardest.
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