Monday, June 9, 2008

What is up PEI Rocket?

I have always been told that I should start a letter on a positive note, so first up let me congratulate you on your acquisition of Bobby Nadeau and Maxime Provencher. The first boy is smooth and dreamy, the second boy a staunchy smart defender. I would love to get between their blue line and crease.

That being said, may I point out that both of your jerseys are ugly*... and really - JUST ONE ROCKET- you cannot build an army with just one rocket. Ooooh I’m so scared, don’t poke me in my girlie bits with your rocket. Also, why did you have to fuck up the rocket by putting a little face on it? You should have put a little Maurice Richard piloting the rocket and peeping through the window, then maybe, just maybe, I would like you because you made me laugh.

You got it all mixed up. Your claim to fame is Brad Richards, not Maurice Richard. Richards/ Richard - I mean, who couldn’t mess that up, right? What you really should have done when you bought the team and moved it to PEI from Montreal, was change its damn name. When I think PEI I do not think Maurice Richard, nor do I think rocket – and no, the Sidewinder at Magic Mountain does not count.

There are many predictable choices for names: 1) The PEI potato farmers, 2) the PEI confederationists 3) The PEI Annes of Green Gables, 4) the PEI golfers, 5) the PEI overrated amusement parks, 6) the PEI Haywire; any of which would have been more appropriate than the PEI Rocket.

Now that I am done hurling insults, let me just sidle up next to your new goalie - closer, closer, until I find myself sitting in his lap, running my fingers through his hair, playing with his pouty lip, and smelling the little spot on his neck behind his ear while whispering sweet nothings about fancy saves. Yeah that IS NICE, VERY NICE.

I think I am in love Mr. Bobby Nadeau. I am glad you are coming East to be with me since you are the boy I had chosen in advance to be my #1 (non-mooseheads) goalie boyfriend this season.

However, I am sorry if the team that you have gotten yourself messed up with makes you look bad this year. I will still love you, because I have the mad skills to recognize when the problem is not the boy, but the team that plays in front of him.

What is the current situation with your new team? I am glad you asked. According to an article in PEI’s the Guardian newspaper, your team currently has too many boys heading into their 20 year old season, some of which will have to go. There is you, sweet Bobby Nadeau, and your defensey friend Provencher along with:
Antoine Lafleur
Dylan Quaile
Bryan Main
Chad Locke
Matthew Lachaine

Cosmonaut Savard says “(The) plan is to start Nadeau, Provencher and Lachaine, up front. Bryan Main, Dylan Quaile are available this week. If we don’t move them, I’m sure Guy will want to bring them back to camp and see what’s going on for the third spot.

Furthermore, the acquisition of you, dreamy, sweet, edible Bobby Nadeau (nibbles ear to see if he is indeed edible – hooray, he is!) means that both Antoine Lafleur and Marc-Antoine Gellidonuts are up for grabs. This clears a space for PEI to develop some of their younger goalies such as Evan Mosher or Jon Waye.

Savard apparently shares in my skanktivetous ways, which is obvious when he says – “Nothing against Antoine or Marc-Antoine, but (Nadeau) was available”. INDEED Savard INDEED – the old grab and dump works every time. It is like when I was going out with Roger Kennedy and the Moose brought in P-O, and I was suddenly all like - Kennedy who? It’s not that I didn’t love Kennedy at the time (a girl must always stand by her goalie) its just, well, have you seen Mr. Pier-Olivier Pelletier? Kennedy would dump himself too if Pelletier came-a-knocking at his door with chocolates, poke-checks, smooth lateral movement, and that heart-melting smile**. Coo.

It is last season redux. It's not that we don’t love Lafleur - because he did try, he is bold and big-pimpin', and always 'too cool for school' with the way he wears his hat backwards when he is riding the pine. It is just that Nadeau can satisfy a girl in ways no other 20 year old goalie in the league can (think of all the things you could do with that Jacques-Plante Trophy), and for that reason and that reason alone we must bid Lafleur adieu.

But new goalie beware, reading the comments in Guardian reminds me that Rocketfans are as bitter and disenchanted as Moosefans. They will tire quickly of that new-goalie smell. You may have one hell of a hard time on the island Mr. Nadeau. They will hate you, and you alone, for not being the ONE MAN who can save the team. Trust. Everybody knows that the fault ALWAYS lies with the man who guards the gates of hell.

If you need a good nuzzling, a cup of hot cocoa, or just someone to vent your frustrations to - you know where to find me. I have built a little nest under the seats at the Halifax Metro Centre. I come out during games and I stare at goalies. Just look for the small, creepy girl who is burrowing a hole into your soul with her eyes. Don’t be scared - I do bite, but not hard.

*admittedly our red, green, white and gold Moose jersey is the fugliest thing this side of Rod Brind'Amour.

** (edit) The real smile, not the half-assed fake smile that he does in an attempt to hide the teeth. Trust me P-O, the teeth are good, we like your teeth and they work very well with that mischievous smile (the real smile) and your strong chin. I swear I tried to look you in the eye when we met, but I did not make it past the smile - it was THAT enchanting. It was so enchanting in fact, that it made me smile, and I never smile because I hate my wonk-ass teefs. Right now as I type this I am smiling because I am thinking about your smile - yes, it is just that powerful.


wanker said...

keep chad locke .. hes a good hockey player.. exciting to watch.

Q-girl said...

That is because he is a newf and newfs rock.