Everybody knows I love my Ds more than I love my forwards. This is why the hierarchy of my heart goes: 1) Goalies, 2) Defencemen, 3) Forwards. Always has, always will.
Must I individually kiss each and every one of you? Fine, here goes:
Kisses to Ben MacAskill - My girl A.N. loves you. Indiana Jones style writing 27 on her eyelids kind of love- because you are smart. When you are trying to clear the puck from the zone, stop trying to calculate velocities and angles in your head....just shoot it out ASAP. Sometimes you do this very well while other times you think too hard. As a scientist may I be the first to point out to you that thinking is for chumps. Also thank you for game 7 vs Moncton in last years playoffs. You really showed Sniderman and his stupid Spiderman mask who is boss. The answer is us, we are boss.
Kisses to Guillaume Monast - Don't you just hate how the announcer at the arena calls you Jee-oam? Please be kinder to P-O, he appears to be your best friend on the team and the two of you are so 'up in a tree'. Can I be up in that tree with the two of you? When you are mean to P-O, you are mean to me. Everybody gets hurt. I will have to invent a new kind of skate blade for you, one that pucks cannot deflect off of. I like you on the PP, I like your shot from the point. I like you a lot Jee-oam. A lot!!! Enough to want to get drunk on wine with you and then climb a tree. It is a good thing you are of legal drinking age. I secretly love you. Don't tell Graham Bona, he gets so jealous.
Kisses to Gabriel O'Connor - You are a scrappy little thing. Sometimes I think the other boys are afraid to look at you when you are on the bench because you have big funny hair. They will not look because they are afraid they will laugh at your hair and crush your confidence. Please see PJ Corsi for styling tips. Please avoid Bryce Swan for styling tips. Actually while you are at it could you please tell Bryce to see PJ for styling tips and tell him Q-girl says do not wear a striped tie, with a striped shirt, with a striped suit, and a handlebar moustache.
Kisses to Andrew Bodnarchuk - I do not know what to say captain - I met your aunt at a game once, she seemed nice. Please remember to act like the captain and please remember to pay attention to the goalies as they are technically the eyes in the back of your head. You are speedy and everyone loves you, at least enough to make you captain of our team, captain of the QMJHL team in the Canada Russia challenge, to give you an invite to the World Jr try-outs camp, and to name you top offensive defenseman in the Eastern division of the Q. That being said I think we need some more defensive defenseman out of you. We have enough offense. I will give you extra kisses and a good nuzzle if you can do that for me.
Kisses to Justin........Pender - Do you talk, or do you just say Justin........Pender? I know you can sing the moose theme song and you can shout the word score. How exciting for you. Have you been taught more words? Thank you for fighting Denis Reul and for making him bleed. Thank you also for your hard shot.
Kisses to Graham Bona - Graham you are my lovable oaf, you are my big teddy bear. But do you know how to close your mouth? You are rocking a very serious Jessica Simpson face 95% of the time. I secretly love you. Do not tell Steve Lund.Kisses to Steve Lund way up in the press box - We have already openly established that I love Lund,
and this is despite the fact that he sings in a band and I hate musicians. It must be some serious love for me to overlook the 'in a band' thing. My girl C.G. loves Steve the most, and my girl N.B. wants to steal him from C.G. Girls love Steve Lund. Is it because Steve is funny, talkative, and goofy in life as well as dramatic on the ice? When Lund is on the ice a girl pays attention. He can draw a good penalty as well as he can take a bad penalty...it is just too bad that he is broken. Very broken.Kisses to Richard Greer also up in the press box - I will love you more when you get older and bigger and play some more games. At your age our relationship is very inappropriate, so maybe you shouldn't tell your parents about us....shhhhhh OK?
Kisses to new kid RD Chisholm who is also sitting around up in the sky above my head and wearing a fancy suit - Chisholm, see what I said to Greer, except don't tell your parents or Greer or Bona about us. Bona gives me the silent treatment when he sees how I look at other defensemen, and he is such a jealous little bitch around me when Sauve comes to town.
God, and you thought the fans were hard to please.
No comments:
Post a Comment