Tuesday, November 3, 2009

News links/Motivation

The flu is systematically wiping all the hotness from the Mooseheads. It is starting with the cutest boys and working its way down to the dregs.

The last boy who gets the flu shall be well aware that the flu was just using him for his body. The flu does not think he is hot*. The flu didn't really want to get intimate with him, it was only desperate to reproduce and spread. No, much like me, the flu chooses to climb into the orifices of the young hotties first: the Desjardins, the Grondinseseses and the Hannays. I mean honestly, if you were the flu isn't that who you would hit?

Speaking of cold and flu seasons, the Moose have not only been hit with the flu but for two weeks now they have a bad case of COLD. Cold of course being where they stand on the Sportsnet CHL Hot/Not list.

The Sea Dogs and Tomas Kubalik of the Victoriaville Tigres are hot, while the Mooseheads and Mickael Audette of the Rouyn-Noranda Huskies are not.
The rebuilding Mooseheads had another week of set-backs as they continue to search for their second win of the season. Halifax was beat in both outings against Montreal and Cape Breton by a combined 10-3 margin. It won’t get any easier for the Mooseheads this week as they will face Saint John, Val-d’Or and P.E.I.

In order to motivate the players I have created a series of embarrassing blingees (what am I, 12?) to show them what they are in line to earn should they actually start to put some points on the board.

No pressure!

Victim #1: Gabriel Desjardins
Sure it is great to be defensively responsible. Defensively minded players make me feel funny in my lady bits. Defensively minded players are also shortlisted as possible draft picks by the New Jersey Devils. Devils also make me feel funny in my lady bits.

Unfortunately, as a forward, you have to be at least a 0.5 PPG player (please ignore the drafting of Ashton Bernard) in the CHL for anyone to take you seriously come NHL draft time. Being a 1.0 PPG is even better.

Getting drafted officially ups your status to QMJHL *superstar* and practically guarantees you shitloads of money if you can work your ass off and make it to the big-boys club. Furthermore, if you want to be a total princess like Dany Heatley, it is still OK - you can still get paid.

Mo' money, mo' problems? Bullshit!!! Wipe away that #21. Your new number is $$$.

Last but not least: points = money = classy ladies... and not those Cole Harbour tarts you are used to. Classy ladies would use your money to buy Dior, not American Eagle. Furthermore, everybody knows classy hockey wives don't earn their own money (I am looking at you Willa Ford).

*does not include feverish feelings

No comments: