Monday, April 7, 2008

Working in small spaces down low

Well isn’t that wonderfully dirty hockey terminology - "Working in small spaces down low". I am going to make sure I work it into all of my regular conversations from here on in. I heard it directly from the mouth of the Sea Dogs play-by-play commentator. We will leave all of my dirty thoughts re. "working in small spaces down low" targeted toward a certain Sea Dog. Dirty thoughts are not for my Moose – they get cuddles, soft caresses, nuzzles and kisses on the forehead, or cookies and ice-cream with fluffo and sprinkles. My Moose are only (occasionally) dirty on the ice. They are my 25 sweet, innocent, little hockey-warrior boyfriends who play hard (sometimes) and skip down the street holding hands and makin’ plans (for the forecheck and backcheck).

Yes, perfectly innocent…so when they misbehave (like Ryan Hillier) and run their mouths and say bad things to refs I cover my ears and say lalalalalalala….innocent. You know you are in the bizarro universe when Ryan is the one spewing vitriol and Mr. Marchand is grabbing at him to calm him down and attempting to be the voice of reason. If anyone is wondering why Ryan suddenly became an asshole (taking back-to-back penalties which resulted in the Eagles scoring back-to-back goals), look no further than that new contract with the Rangers - Damn I hate the Rangers.

I have recovered somewhat from my anger over the miscalled ‘no goal’ (by Pridham) and goaltender interference (on MacMillan). I am normally all for goaltender interference calls, I do not condone the abuse of goalies – but this was not purposeful interference. I do, however promote the abuse of forwards by goalies – how else are they to express their frustration? Olivier Roy is a little ball of rage – you can just see it. He looks like he wants to explode. It is all in the way he throws the puck after he has caught it and wee tiny things about his body language. Was he frustrated on Saturday? I would say so. He made some great saves (hello, he made a glove save while lying on his back – it doesn’t get more awesome than that), but there were a few that slipped in, and it is these goals that induce rage. We should be looking into ways to use his youthful rageahol to our advantage.

It is not that the Eagles were not also disadvantaged by the Refs, I just wish the game could run a little more smoothly. Sometimes the refs seem to make it all about them. Now while I wish the game really was all about me, and the refs wish the game was all about them, truth be told it is not. In the tra-la-la fantasy world that exists in my brain it is all about me and my 25 little innocent little boyfriends who aim to please and do my bidding (and they hear me when I yell “keep an eye on Joey Haddad”). In my fantasy world goalies stop pucks just to impress me and they slash at annoying forwards in an attempt to win my love…but in reality it just ain’t so.

In a ref’s fantasy world we are watching them, when in reality I only see them when they get in the way. Sure they are there to prevent all-out wars, and we need someone to call offsides, but they sometimes meddle too much and treat the boys a little too rough. I have seen situations on the ice which, if I were in them I would probably tell the ref off too, and then I would get a stupid unsportsman-like penalty. I am one of those calm, smile, calm, calm, calm, smile - snap - batshit insane type of people.

Power IS fun, but as supposed grown-ups (I know I am a grown up because the boys at the grocery store call me ma'am and no one asks me for ID at the liquor store anymore) we should know better than to abuse it. This is why boys are for looking at, not touching. So dear refs, let the boys play their little game - look but don't always call.

Yeti - tell Pier to shave that weird attempt at a chin strap. It is gross and patchy and ruins his otherwise perfect, pristine, gorgeous, soft, pretty, pretty, pretty looking face. His ability to grow hair on his face does not appear to have improved since his early days with the Volts when he was holding hands and skipping down the streets of Drummondville with Latendresse and Brassard. How am I supposed to manhandle that pretty face when it has hair all over it? I am hereby officially volunteering to shave him if he has somehow forgotten how to shave. Tell him that he does not need a playoff beard when he is riding the pine... even if he is still theoretically in the game and he can see a play unfolding which causes him to stand up and shout out to y'all on the ice.
ps. Touching is allowed in this case because he turns 21 this week.

I must apologize to my sweet Yeti. I watched the Sea Dogs vs Titan (game 1) and I saw Fully’s assist and it was no big deal. He was behind the net handling the puck when he handed it off and the Dogs made a fancy, fast drive to the net for a goal. Travis did have many more puck playing adventures during the game, but his assist was nothing to get excited about, no panties went flying (at that moment). At some point Fully also misplayed the puck and put himself in a dangerous situation, which fortunately the Titan were not able to capitalize on. So darling Yeti, you can take all the time in the world to develop you puck handling, better safe than sorry.

Is Mr. Fullerton still capable of making me all hot and sweaty? - sure - but it was mostly because I was on the exercise bike while watching the game.

Travis was full of post-to-post toe-stops (mmmm stretchy) and other slick ‘robbing boys in the crease’ moves - and they did not even know that he was robbing them. At some point the Titan thought they had a goal and Fully dismissed them knowing that it was impossible because he was up skating around with the puck in his glove. So confident and delicious. There was no trapper changing shenanigans followed by goals and angry trapper throwing/ slashing and more trapper changing (see game 2 vs PEI). Apart from a puck which Travis let slip in through the five hole and his misplaying of the puck, there were no other nasty incidents to report.

Sometimes Champion looked great, he would have looked greater had he made that glove save on the Dogs third goal while he was knocked down on his ass. At other times he barely moved. I wonder if he is starting to wear down?

Jonathan Bernier’s (of the Lewiston MAINEiacs) season is not yet done. Jon has been called up to the Manchester Monarchs, and will be minding their nets as they start their playoff run (who feels bad for their regular goalies – sucks to be usurped). Now that Jon is playing with the big boys he has to be more careful about the waterworks. Let’s just hope there are no tears when the Monarchs are out of their playoff run, I suspect he will be less emotionally invested.

Awww he already has a team picture. It is old - It looks like it was taken about the time of the draft (2006). His hair has the frosted tips thing going on. Carey price had that hair once too. Dear goalies…highlights are for girls. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I am handing out firm pettings and a can of redbull to Squirrels Giroux and the Gatineau Olympiques, who are currently up 2 games to 0 over the Quebec Remparts. When does poppa Roy get back on the bench? Soon I think… I have lost track of time. Let’s hope the tide does not turn for the ‘piques following a trip to Quebec city and the return of Patrick Roy.

The biggest shock in this second round continues to be Rimouski and the Rouyn-Noranda Huskies. Sure the Huskies are leading the series 2-0 but both games went into overtime and the series will be moving back to Rimouski. I expect that if the Oceanic continue to play as they have played of late, they should be able to take at least one, if not two games at home. Now that I have made predictions I have probably just completely and utterly killed their chances of a win.


In the NHL- things couldn’t have gone better yesterday. Kisses (with tongue) to Biron for shutting out the Penguins. This leaves Montreal as the top seed in the east. Kisses to all of les Canadiens, plus a severe and thorough nuzzling to their young netminders for all of their wins and sexy shutouts. You guys were hot this year.

Last but not least - the NJ Devils FINALLY defeated the Rangers (in a shootout – but I am just happy with a win) thus earning themselves home ice advantage for the playoffs. This means very little if this year’s record against the Rangers continues to hold strong in the playoffs. If the Rangers keep it up the Devils will be home crying in their pillows after 4-5 games. I hate the Rangers.

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