Thursday, March 27, 2008

Two down...

So two teams are in and two teams are out. I have already mentioned that the Saint John sea Dogs have used a sexy goalie, a smart blond French kid, a saucy boy from Sydney and some awesome eyebrow power to defeat the PEI Rocket, but I did not mention that Rouyn-Noranda have swept the Val d’Or Foreurs. This leaves Maxime Sauve free to join me for spa days and girling about town. What fun times.

I have made a bad photoshop image of what a Rouyn-Noranda/Val d’Or game would look like. Where PJ Corsi would have been I have put in Cote. Nothing is more amusing than absolutely horrid photoshop work…no wait…everything is more amusing than absolutely horrid photoshop work. Just ignore the fact that Cote is huge and also ignore all the people wearing Mooseheads jerseys in the background. Now forget that Val d'Or ever existed because for our purposes they have just become irrelevant. This is the last you will see of them or of D'Orso and his crazy eyebrows and douchey chinstrap beard. What? Gougeon has even doucheier facial hair? Damn.

The Mooseheads played the fool last night, losing 3-1 to the Victoriaville Tigres despite Victo having lost two of their top forwards – Tanguay and Cacciotti. The Moose are so Jekyll and Hyde. Did you see that BBC program Jekyll? That show was great. I do not like it so much, however, when the Moose play Mr Hyde. Not only that but our top defenseman Andrew Bodnarchuk has been suspended for tonight’s game due to a hit to the head on one of the Tigres. Everybody knows Andrew is way too short to hit anyone in the head.

Maybe the loss of Andrew B. means we will be more cautious and play a safer game. Not only that but Cam Russell has finally taken to penalizing the players by sitting them out for a couple of shifts for doing stupid things like taking selfish penalties. It is maybe a little too late for that…maybe he should have started doing this to players in …I don’t know….let’s say Sept/Oct. I am as bewildered as the next Moosefan.

I have no idea how tonight’s game is going to go down. Will the forwards show up? Maybe tonight Yeti will wear new cologne and the defensemen will be all aroused and distracted. I do not want to be in the same situation the Titan are in right now and having to play a third game away from home with the series tied 2-2. The simple fact that we outscored this team 17 -3 in our first two games means that we can be a totally dominating team when we want to be. It is just that sometimes we are thinking about girls and spring flowers and new wardrobes and what is going to happen on “Days of our Lives” or who will be kicked out next on America's Next Top Model; or if we are Bryce Swan we are thinking about milk and mini-pizzas (don’t ask)…we will never know. I wanted this done in 4, I will settle for this being done in 5. I will start throwing feces like a rabid monkey or an angry hamster if this goes to 6. Not that I mind getting some more games at home…it is just…well isn’t it obvious.



Cape Breton are leading Lewiston 3 games to 1. Jonathan Bernier has still not shaven off the stupid moustache. Game photos can bee seen at Ron ‘s Sports Photography site. Jon is also getting all scrappy again and sitting on people. Jon says “if you want to be in my crease bitch - you can stay in my crease. I am never going to let you leave. I will sit on you, I will mock fuck you, I will push you down and make you lick the paint”. Please, people stay the hell out of Jon’s crease. For an example of how mean Jon can be see around 2:08:20 in Wednesday night’s archived game when Chouinard ends up in Bernier’s crease.

The Titan are tied 2-2 in their series with the Fog Devils. Game three is in Newfoundland and the Devils maintain their home ice advantage and hopefully their little hot streak. Q-girl does not want to be mean to the Titan, but the Titan scare the shit out of me, so the sooner they go the better. The Moose can beat the Titan, but the Titan use Jedi Mind Trix on the Moose to make them think that they cannot beat the Titan….which is why we always lose to the Titan; and sometimes when the Titan and the people of Bathurst combine their Mind Trix then the Titan blow us out of the water. To say I would rather the Moose face the Fog Devils is an understatement. Sure the extensive travel will be grueling (especially two series in a row) but we have Pender and Yetman and White and Randell to act as ambassadors and sometimes translators to the good people of NFLD.

What Roy did totally got into the head of Nadeau. Quebec are now leading Chicoutimi in the series 3 games to 1. Bobby has been pulled within the first period of the last two games: once for letting in 3/10 and the next game for letting in 2/4.

Rimouski is leading Baie Comeau 2-1. Damn and snap. If I had to face anyone in the finals I would have preferred BC. We have had no problems at all with BC this year. You throw a few rabid squirrels at Cousineau and he cowers in his net like a baby. He is terrified of squirrels....or at least I presume – someone please throw a squirrel at him just to test my theory. Now we have the Moose arch nemesis (and my secret lover) Keven Veilleux teaching the people of BC valuable lessons about the weaknesses of some of their players. I know he is a Penguin draft pick – and so if and when he actually makes the Penguins I will dump him like the sleazy MF that he is. I really, really, hate the Penguins despite actually loving real penguins.

Gatineau is currently leading Shawinigan 3-1. This never would have happened if Roger Kennedy had not left the Cataractes for his own selfish purposes. Oh no wait, what I meant to say was that the children of Shawinigan would not get hit by cars because they would have seen public service announcements about crosswalk safety starring Roger Kennedy, had Roger Kennedy not left for his own selfish purposes. That has nothing to do with his play in nets. I hope no children are hit by cars this playoff season. I hope they do not see Claude Giroux in their town, mistake him for a squirrel and run out into the street hoping to catch him all for the purpose of throwing him at Marco Cousineau like I had requested. Although if the children of Shawinigan do that, and take squirrels home and keep him in a little cage until they can use him as a targeted rodent missile against Cousineau, then maybe their team may actually stand a chance of winning.

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