Friday, February 22, 2008

Little Gifts

Dear Moose
Why do you give me pretty little gifts in fancy boxes on Wednesday only to turn around on Thursday and ask for those gifts back?

Yetman - Should I call you Yetty or Yeti? One of these is not a word (unless it is a word in Nfld ), the other is mysterious ice creature which conjures fear in the hearts of men. You choose. Anyway, good show last night. Apart from the shittiness of a goal during 5 on 3 play, your play in nets was on par with the Yetman of yor (aka - last year). Sure, you only faced 12 shots, but who is counting? Congrats and welcome back. I have missed you. I hope you can keep it up. As for the 5 on 3 PP goal - I think the refs were purposely attempting to screw with you just as you stepped into the nets in an attempt to break your fragile goalie brain. They could not break it. Fear the Yeti/Yetty.

Bouchard - Are you the new Steve Lund? Please stop taking penalties. Tell the refs that there is a vicious "female of the species" in the stands and that if they give you one more mystery call- "minor penalty to # 29 David Bouchard, two minutes for existing" I will climb over glass and rip out their throats with my bare teeth. I will do this in the most gruesome of manners and not in the more pleasant but grossly inappropriate "how I would nibble on the neck of Travis Fullerton" way.

White - You are always fun to watch. We can't say you never tried. But for the love of God, please shave. You are starting to look like a puppy. While I like you, and I love puppies, we really don't need you looking like a puppy. That being said, you do deserve some sort of treat for every puck you put in the net, because that is your special puppy trick. You didn't get a treat last night, but I am sure that if you keep it up one will be coming your way soon enough. I hope that your teammates appreciate you.
PS- While we are at it could you also shave Graham, including the back of his neck. It is getting nasty back there.

MacMillan - I have one word for you. Feisty. That is all.

Monast - If we are an offensive powerhouse, why is it that the only guy to score a goal last night was a defenceman? Good job Guy. Please take this goal, and your goal from Wednesday, and half of your third star privileges (also from Wednesday), as well as your good defencive play as of late, and throw them into the faces of every so-called offensive leader and delusional demi-God on your team. This does not include Voracek who is exempt from all punishment because he is not delusional, and because he may indeed have been promoted to God status - I wouldn't know because I haven't been to church lately. Now, take the other half of your 3rd star and give it to P-O for his performance on Wednesday, and then hastily take it away because of his performance on Thursday. That is what he gets for being such a tease.

Pelletier - Yes, you are a tease. The terrifying highs, the dizzing lows, and that is just what you do to me - it has nothing to do with the game. We (and by we, I mean you) were getting soooo close to 10th in the league again, and so close to a 0.9%. Baby steps. Learn from the little mistakes, keep your mind on the game and your eye on the puck. We need the real P-O, especially now that the D are playing like they are a goalie's best friend. Forget about the fact that I occasionally cheat on you with other goalies (I am ever so sorry). Everyone knows that you have me totally wrapped around your blocker, so you don't have to worry about my wandering eye. Forget about all the old fucks who call themselves Mooseheads fans and yet spend all their time ripping apart 20 year old boys just to make themselves feel better. It is as if dissing kids will make them a "real hockey fan". This is not Philly, so why does it feel like the fans are such douchebags?

Some of us actually like you, so please be the goalie that we know you can be. If only there was a candy that could express how I truly feel. I suggest you go to "Freak Lunchbox" on Barrington Street and buy yourself some POP-Rocks (I already have some for you but the truth of the matter is that I will never actually meet you to be able to give them to you). Put them in the locker room with your gear, and before every game look at them to remind yourself that you do indeed rock. Then go out onto our home ice and play like you rock. This will involve being a little bit bolder (you seem scared at take less risks), playing the puck more (a-la the game in Baie Comeau), and continuing to challenge the shooters. You are the goalie, you know what you have to do.

Anyway, when I say "Bring it on", you say "It has been broughten!". I will be the one legitimately cheering every time a puck fails to enter the net.

Are you tired? Do you want to hear a bedtime story my little goalie? One Sunday during a game there was a douche who was sitting behind me and he voiced aloud that he thought you should stay deep in the crease during shootouts and not come out to challenge the shooters - HELLO!!! It is called cutting down the angle. Fucking Douche (I should not use such curse words in bedtime stories). Actually he didn't say to stay in the crease, he said to stay in your net - maybe like a little net troll (bedtime story made more 'bedtimey' by the addition of mythical creatures). This man is a season ticket holder, so he should know hockey by now. Let us all have a good laugh...because these are the kinds of people who judge you so harshly.

If it is any consolation, it looks like you totally scared the shit out of Benda. What a dirty look. Last night you reached an all time high for disgusted faces and dirty looks. Pissed off goalies may not be the most effective of players but they are the hottest kind of goalies.

Cam - the lines were great, the team seemed to be gelling, and we were actually winning games. So why the fuck did you have to go and change up the lines?

Think of it this way, we were destined to lose. Such is the yearly split between the Cape Breton Screaming Eagles and the Halifax Mooseheads. Four wins for us, four wins for them. It has been this way since the beginning of time, or at least it feels that way. To alter this delicate balance might have resulted in a tear of the space-time continuum. A win would have been nice, like a little kiss on the Sea Dog's collective foreheads to remind them where we stand. As of right now, we are breathing down their necks and I think it is turning them on more then it is scaring them. That is not right. I can live with a time however, can we make it a slightly less a shitty loss.

Now go play hockey like you mean it.

A few other things of note:

Smith - I have wanted to say this for a long time but have had no outlet to do so until now, so bare with me: I know you are not playing right now and that you have a boo-boo on your hand which exempts you from taking any blame for Thursday's loss. Despite this, I am sure we have some fans out there that could still find a way to blame you. Here is my comment and question regarding you, and it is more a statement on the mentality of some Mooseheads fans: You are a big boy at 6'4 (yes, at 18 you are still just a boy), but did you ever think that you would would be the target of such widespread and aggressive bullying? Did you think that this bullying could come from men who are old enough to be your father? Chin-up little buddy. You may be 18 and probably act like you are 18, but at least you are not 45 and still acting like you are 18.

Goyens - I never had you pegged as a bad boy. Clearly I was wrong. Lucky for you that you never felt the full wrath of my love (yes my love IS a wrath) or I might have a harder time letting you go. You know you are 19 and you will never see another game in the Q again, right? OK. Just clearing that up. I don't know what you did to get kicked off of the team, but you were warned - so why did you have to go and be such a silly fool?
Kisses and a firm paddling on the ass. Now go home and cry to mommy and daddy.

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