Monday, April 21, 2008

Moose vs Olympiques: Game 2. No goalie, don't go.

Dearest P-O
I showed up early to catch you in warm ups. You are majestic. You look great in your helmet and with your stick. I think you are beautiful when you are all geared up – especially when I cannot see your poor excuse for a beard. How long has it been since I said coo? Coo. I can feel you slipping away; our season is almost at an end. We have been thoroughly screwed Sir, completely and utterly screwed. Should I try to meet you at the 'end of season fan – player meet and greet'? Not likely, I am too old for this. I am going to assume that you will have shaved by then. Be forewarned, if I do show up I might attack your face with my hands. It is too pretty to not touch.

Yeti – You look like a cartoon character. I like you – maybe because you are a Newf and there is a place in my heart for Newfs. It is next to the large spot I have reserved for French boys. Also, you are Whitey’s friend and road roomie so if you and Whitey come as a package, I can more than totally handle that. I hope you are back as an over-ager. Our new little, gigantic French goalie Corbeil-Thériault will need a mentor.

Knotek – Did you know that you are a zombie elf. You are!!! You look like an elf but as the game carries on and you start to tire, the blood leaves your face and you start to look like a zombie – you turn blue. I would have assumed that you could develop immunity to zombieism, but I guess your antibodies just aren’t down with that. Thank you for being opportunistic, stepping in alone, taking chances and firing a shot at the net. It is crazy how that works sometimes, eh? No waiting for a guy to come in behind you to catch the rebound, thus giving Mior time to get into position to stop the puck, just simple old getting to the point and shooting the puck. It was beautiful. Maybe you noticed what I noticed – that there is no point in waiting for a teammate to get into position to receive a pass or a rebound because Mior does not give up rebounds and if you wait you will be covered in a swarm of Olympiques.

Tomas Knotek does not talk because if he did, everybody might just figure out that he is the smartest guy on the team

Bodnarchuk – I hope you are enjoying your fancy car and that it makes you feel better because what you did makes me feel very, very bad. Unfortunately, I do not have a fancy car to console me. If you wake up this morning to find that someone has keyed your Benz don’t look at Yeti and I, because we totally did not conspire to do it.

Marchand – The puck is not your private dancer, a dancer for money, it will not do what you want it to do. Furthermore, the Olympique D will not magically part like the red sea just because the puck is on your stick. No the puck is more like a twenty dollar whore at a gang bang - be careful with it, but pass it around. I did not boo you after your fiftieth attempt to dipsy-doodle around in Gatineau’s end because I am not mean like that, but I am glad that you were indeed booed. I do not boo, I simply yell at you for wasting my precious time - I yell things like “hey Brad, I am not getting any younger over here”. Ten minutes later you still have the puck. This is a team sport – not the Brad Marchand show. Are you as selfish in real life as you are on the ice?

Moosters club - What the fuck!!! – do not yell obscenities at the Gatineau players as they leave the ice. That is just totally rude. They are young boys who are just happy to have won a hockey game. Ok, two hockey games. They worked hard for their wins and they deserve it. It is not their fault that we waste golden opportunities in regulation while they take full advantage of our team’s mental lapses in OT. It is not their fault the Mooseheads do not play as a team.

Wingus, Dingus – or maybe I should call you Fatty and Peg legs. Look at you – neither of you have touched a stick in your life so STFU. I have been sitting in front of you for three straight games now and should the Moose get another opportunity to return to home ice I will have to change seats in order to spare you your lives. Do you know how close you came to my turning around and flicking you both in the forehead? You have been saying the same things for three straight games, but here is the thing:

  1. Guillaume IS allowed to touch the puck (and your stupid nickname for him drives me nuts), stop yelling at him for being ‘stupid’ EVERY TIME he touches the puck. He is currently a 0 for this series, not a’ – 2’ like some defensemen.
  2. Bona cannot “go for the body” every play, especially not when he is skating backwards into our zone.
  3. No, Pender is not going to fall down again – get over it.
  4. Pelletier is not playing so shut the fuck up about him (any diss on Pelletier really ups my ire to motherfucking code red – my boyfriend has pointed out that I literally start to turn red). One of these days I am going to be all noble and defend his honor - then everybody around me had best watch out.
  5. Tipping the puck out along the boards IS a smart play – A SMART PLAY.
  6. ohhh a Dan Smith is slow diss - real original. Many big guys are slow - this is why he is a fourth liner with minimal ice time. He has a role to play and he does it.
  7. No Marchand should not have the puck, stop suggesting that the other Moose should pass the puck to Marchand. If they do that we may never see the puck again. His stick is a veritable black hole into which pucks go to die (or get unceremoniously stolen at the blue line).
  8. You’re right Bodnarchuk is awesome, he has only been on the ice making stupid choices for both of Gatineau’s OT goals.

Everybody who yells shoot - Do you have a good view of the net from the boy with the pucks’ perspective? Do you see the shooting lane all opened up with crystal clarity? Did you not notice that Gatineau forms a box in front of their net which is tighter than a twat after vaginal rejuvenation surgery? Sure, sometimes it is smart to shoot, but sometimes it is smart to pass. It is never smart to just stand around with the puck on your stick wondering what to do next, but it is also not smart to shoot the puck directly to your opponent for a turnover, especially when there is no one even remotely close to the slot who would be capable of getting the rebound.

Other notes:

Mior is dreamy. Unfortunately for me, all of his big saves were made when he was on the far end of the ice and far away from me. I have been trying to be a good 'hockey fan' and not just a good ‘goalie fan’ and as such I am missing out on goalie related fun because I have been watching the other boys. I am not amused. Mior received the first star of the game for stopping 47 of 50 shots. If you try to steal his star he will kill you. Just look at those eyes.

Ryan Mior aka Rhino

Gatineau hurt Hillier and Bouchard so it is just appropriate that we hurt Touchette and Giroux. How Giroux continued to play for an additional 30-some minutes with a wonky right ankle is absolutely beyond me. What a trooper.

Byron is sooo small – 144 lbs. Can’t someone find the power in their cold, cruel heart to hurt him. I don’t think it will take much – unless of course he is still all rubbery like a baby.

I have already decided that I am going to love Clermont when he is 19. Chubby cheeks, chubby cheeks, squee.

Gatineau’s passing may be as bad as ours.

Cross ice passes in the neutral zone are stupid. Dear Moose please stop just handing the puck over to the other team in the neutral zone.

Giroux has upped his squirrel factor. I watched the post game interview on TV and he kept sniffling, which involved his nose crinkling up, his upper lip curling and his top teeth being exposed. I totally should have kidnapped him while I had the chance. At least if he were in a cage he would not be on the ice and then maybe the Moose could win a game.

Oh yeah, so what does all this mean? It means the Mooseheads lost in OT again. We are down 2-0 and heading into hostile territory. Oh no Gatineau!!!


News links:

Wuest's game blog
Moose in a deep hole
Moose lose again

Sea Dogs:
Sea Dogs facing must win test
Rouyn-Noranda fans go beyond boisterous

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